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This Whole College Thing September 25, 2007

Posted by Bobby in college, life, social life.
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I decided to take summer completely off; no work, no school, no blogging (which is suchhh a stressfull task), and no chasing pigeons. Though I was tempted to dash after birds several times, I was successful in my goals in the long run. Now it’s back to business and procrastination.

Honestly, I thought that moving back to college for the second time would be a lot easier than the first time. The adjustment is still pretty absurd, because college simply has very little in common with real life. I haven’t driven anywhere in over two days, when during summer I seriously spent more time in my car than in my bed.

Unfortunately, my living quarters are a little on the unsatisfactory side this year. Though it’s very nice having my own room, the hallway leading to my room is guarded by a locked door that nobody can open except for myself and the seven other guys in my wing. This means no more pleasant drop-ins or unexpected friendships, since nobody can even walk past my room and/or pop their head in. I still leave my door open out of habit, but it’s been pretty pointless so far. Going out and knocking on random peoples’ doors in an attempt to make new friends has yielded mixed results.

I got in trouble today, too! For some reason, a sudden pang of nausea struck me while I was walking back from an improv show with some of my hallmates. Among these people was my R.A., who is a cool guy, and the R.D, who is not. I had NOT been drinking at all, but the R.D. assumed that my sickness was due to excessive alcohol consumption. He started yelling at me while I was still pretty sick and probably embarrassing myself in front of a whole bunch of kids I had just met. Eventually I got back to the RHA office and took a breathalyser test, which proved my innocence. Supposedly I’m “being watched” now, but I honestly don’t really drink at parties anyway, so hopefully everything will be fine.

Three days down and 10 weeks to go until my favorite time of the year, Christmas Break. It’s four weeks long when you’re in the UC system (unless you go to Berkeley and are on the semester system and tokin’ the ganj all day), so it allows you to fully enjoy the Christmas season. I can’t wait, but it’s probably a little bad that I’m already eagerly anticipating my next break from school.

Life Should Not Include the Following June 30, 2007

Posted by Bobby in ESPN, Pacman Jones, college, football, life, news/views, social life, social scene, ways to make bobby sad.
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I’m extremely tired of the following ideas, concepts, places, and actions. Therefore, if I catch someone associating themselves with any of these blacklisted nouns, I will force them to sit in a closet and listen to my Björk albums continuously for three days.

Phrase: “It’s my life, I can do what I want!” (usually proceeded with some form of “hey, fuck you”)

Rationale: It’s also my life decision to make fun of you for being an idiot who makes stupid decisions and acts like a retard. Justifying your emo-ness or scenester attitudes and actions by claiming that you are capable of doing whatever you want with your life is ridiculous and lacks any form of logic or reasoning. Closely related to this is the concept of “don’t judge me!” (along with the people who say that you should like them because they never judge anyone). Hate to break it to you, but everyone subconsciously judges others whether they intend to or not. The people who suck at life are those who deny that they go through this process. Really, life will be a lot clearer if you just make up your mind on what’s acceptable and not acceptable to you, then try to associate yourself with people who fall in the “acceptable” range. Obviously your BFFs will fall out of the acceptable range every once in awhile, but that’s when you whip out your newfound power of judgement by letting them know what’s up. There’s a huge difference between judging a person and judging a person’s actions. I wish everyone would magically realize this.

Concept: Tokenism

This will be included in a future blog where I argue that 79% of the stuff they teach you in college is total bullshit (20% of the non-bullshit falls in the math and engineering departments. The remaining 1% occurs when the professor tells you the dates of the midterm and the final, though they manage to screw that up sometimes, too.). Tokenism is, in a nutshell, the idea that white people consciously allow a select number of individuals from ethnic minorities to succeed so that it doesn’t seem like they are racists, while at the same time they deliberately stop all other members of minority groups from achieving any success or progress. In my humble opinion, this is stretching it a bit. People just l-u-v to find crazy explanations for the parts of life that are difficult to understand. Guess it makes everyone feel better.

Place: Hookah Bars

I don’t know when and I don’t know how or why, but all of the sudden it seems like everyone wants to smoke hookah. When I was first introduced to hookah as a sophomore in high school, NOBODY had even heard of it, much less gone to shady bars to smoke it underage. For some reason kids just get sooo amazed by smoking from a waterpipe; guess it makes them feel badass or something. It was still pretty underground even during my junior year, but senior year it started to pick up. Two years later and it has suddenly exploded everywhere- I didn’t even notice it that much during my first year of college. But hey, eating bad food and getting syphilis of the mouth sounds like an awesome new weekend activity.

Person: Pacman Jones
Channel: ESPN

After one year away from constant TV viewing (I didn’t have one in my dorm room), ESPN has gone sour. I have no idea who Pacman Jones, Mr. Irrelevant, or Tank Johnson are. I haven’t followed up on their stories at all, because every time I hear “TONIGHT ON SPORTSCENTER, EAST COAST TEAMS AND HIGHLIGHT REELS. ALSO, PACMAN JONES,” I flip the channel to FSC or GolTv to watch some real sports. I actually like American Football a little bit and I follow it during the season. Pacman Jones played for Tennessee, but I don’t remember ever hearing his name mentioned. I’m pretty sure he’s just an average defensive player. I don’t understand why we need to constantly hear updates on him when he isn’t even that good of a player, and everyone seems to hate him anyway. Actually scratch the hatred argument, because we still follow Barry Bonds, though we’re all hoping he’ll suffer a career-ending injury before he further stains the hallowed record books.

I actually just remembered who Mr. Irrelevant is; he’s the last guy to get picked in the NFL draft. This makes me wonder why he was offered a contract. Maybe we’ll hear about it on SPORTSCENTER, AFTER WE GO TO OUR T.O. BUREAU IN DALLAS. Thank you, T.O. today was T.O. T.O. while in fantasy T.O. T.O. T.O. REGGIE BUSH MICHAEL VICK TOM BRADY BARRY BONDS DELGADO DEL-GOT-IT. WHOOP! YANKEES YANKEES BRON BRON WITH MORE ON NIKE’S SHOE ADVERTISEMENTS HERE’S SOME GUY FROM ABC NEWS. STEROIDS. HUMAN INTEREST STORY. TOP PLAYS: DUNK, DUNK, DUNK, some running back reaching a career mark with a 1-yard run. should not be a top play, Stu. VIDEO OF SOME KID MAKING A HALF COURT SHOT IN A HIGH SCHOOL BASKETBALL GAME- bonus points if the kid’s autistic, DUNK, DUNK, goal- either by Real Madrid or FC Barcelona or Sidney Crosby yay!, DUNK, someone making a retirement speech then subsequently finishing off their career with their worst game, and finally another DUNKKKKK! For something related to news turn to ESPNNEWS.

Stay Happy: Avoid Drama May 25, 2007

Posted by Bobby in effective coping strategies, humor, life, social life.
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Every time a relationship struggles because of drama, there is a simple solution to the problem. Destroy the person responsible, since it’s obviously never your fault! Bring it!

When that isn’t possible, another course of action has always worked for me. Even problems that are totally on me suddenly disappear when this tactic is used. This is not a miracle or an advertising scam. Just a suggestion.

Do not, by any means, argue on the telephone. Someone will hang up in anger eventually, and the tactics I’m about to describe require physical body presence. By now it should be apparent that AIM and texting are off-limits as well.

Hopefully the good-for-nothing scumbag who is unjustly ruining your life will barge into your room and start barking obscenities at you. If not, invite said scumbag over to “discuss” the issues. Remember, communication is key to a successful relationship!!! :) :) :) ;) ;)

Invite the individual in, and sit at a desk near your bed. Start fiddling around on the computer. The best course of action is to log onto Wikipedia. Continually click on “random article” and read these articles to your drama buddy. To really break the ice and get the conversation going, try this article.

After no more than 3 minutes of arguing and Wikipedia browsing (you undoubtedly learned something new during the process as well. Way to go!), interrupt and say to your friend “Hey, you know what? I think I’m just gonna go pass out for a little bit.”

This will undoubtedly leave the drama queen/king dead in their tracks; shocked, so to speak. Climb into your bed and pull the covers over your head. When they ask what in the hell you think you’re doing, simply respond “I’m just gonna take a little nap, no big deal. You can keep yelling at me if you’d like. I can rest through noise. I might not even fall asleep.”

At first, you’ll probably be drilled with insults relating to immaturity and indolence. Just take cover during this initial volley. The enemy will need to reload eventually. However, be wise; do not attack. They shall grow weary to your impregnable (not able to be impregnated?) defenses and will eventually speak these words: “Alright, I guess we’ll just need to talk about this some other time.”

Two weeks of silence will pass, then everything will be good as new!

Empowered with this knowledge, go out and conquer the world.

I shall now depart to go watch the Stars Wars marathon.