Dear Norton, Please Burn In My Fireplace September 27, 2007
Posted by Bobby in Norton Anthology, college, life, literary criticism, literature, posts that poke fun at the UC System.add a comment
The one thing that could possibly rival fire alarms as my most feared inanimate object in high school was a device colloquially known as a “Norton”. For those uninformed, the object in question formally goes by the moniker of “Norton Anthology of English Literature”. They are extremely large “books” which contain copious amounts of work from a certain era, country, or culture. They are a thorough pain in the ass to carry around, and are extremely thick to the point where handling the book becomes extremely awkward due to the odd shape.
After my second year of high school, I always told my parents to avoid buying the book since I honestly never even opened it outside of class. I could’ve easily just borrowed the thing from someone who was in English during a different period. Since I was one of the special kids in honors classes, it was usually pretty easy for me to borrow a book from the DGAF water polo players as long as I promised to return it by the end of the year so they could mix it with hash and smoke it over summer.
Of course my parents refused to comply, despite my good intentions of saving them money and saving me the hassle of dragging a 3,000 page piece of rubbish around campus. The book was honestly a pain to read even during the times I decided to go through it a bit. For starters, anytime you’re reading something that comes before page 500 or after page 2700, the book slants awkwardly to one side. It forces you to tilt your head to avoid glare from the standard reading light. To complicate matters even further, the pages start to curve when you approach the middle of the book, creating a large bump on the text which interrupts normal eye scanning patterns necessary for coherent reading. My attention span is horrible as is, I don’t need these extra distractions while I attempt to grubble through excerpts of Chaucer’s Canterbury Tales.
Lo and behold, my English class this quarter uses a Norton Anthology as a textbook. Shoot me in the face. After four years of never even bothering to deal with these horrid contraptions, I think I’ll be forced to give one a decent read. I got through AP English with an A and a 5 without reading any Norton excerpts ONCE, but I don’t think the same strategy will bode well in this institution of higher academia (haaaa).
On a final note, I’ve started to notice that once you hit a certain level, academics and common sense start to become inversely related. Think about that for a second. To give an example: all my professors are very intelligent, but total dumbshits at the same time. I miss real life sometimes, and I think that many members of the faculty here could use a good dose of real life, just so they realize how idealized all their crackpot theories and politics are, and how ineffective said theories would be if someone foolishly tried to implement them in the real world.
A Guide to Writing in English May 9, 2007
Posted by Bobby in anti-soliciting, college, posts that poke fun at the UC System, ways to make bobby sad.add a comment
It is only fair to warn you that I care about the English language. I come from a grammatically conservative family. If as a child I had done something terrible or committed some serious crime, my family would have been distraught but they would have stuck by me. They would have hired a lawyer for me, come to my trial, visited me in juvenile. But if I split an infinitive or dangled a participle in public, I was not to come home. So please, humor me. Stop writing like crap.
And yes, there will indeed be several grammatical errors and violations of MLA format in this post. Get over it, it’s a blog.
I don’t understand why it’s so difficult for everyone to avoid jargon, be it social scientific, postmodern, or any other. “Lisible” is a lousy word, and “discourse” is not much better. “Site of contestation” is terrible writing. Language should be accessible to any interested lay person, especially one who needs to submit a peer review of your term paper to a TA. Nobody is impressed by a lot of big words that are hard to understand.
Whoever came up with the concept of Peer Review needs to be paraded naked through the streets of every city in Thailand for people to spit on, then coated with honey and staked down over an anthill. Peer reviews don’t help; they frustrate. Nobody likes reading other papers (especially ones containing words like “draconian” and “impactness”), and nobody ever makes the changes suggested by peers. If someone really really wants a revision, the paper is going to the TA.
Back to ranting and complaining: English is not, and never will be, a diacritical language. Slashes, dashes, and parentheses within words are abnormal. Examples: apple(s), and/or. English is an Anglo-Saxon language which has its origins in old Germanic barbarian tribes. What does this mean? It means that all pure English was originally intended to be SHOUTED. Whenever possible, use simple words with broad vowels and hard consonants. When that fails, succumb to the Latin rooted words.
One of the all-time greatest indignations of English is a fairly recent development. He or she, and she or he, is quietly being replaced by this: s/he. Tell me, how do you SHOUT “s/he”? “sssHEEH”?
Another example I see very often is this: “race,” class, and gender- also known as The Holy Trinity of left-wing social science. Apparently Sociologists enjoy putting “race” in quotes to make a statement inferring that race is merely a social construction which does not exist in scientific form. If that’s the case, they should put “class” in quotes too, since it’s a social construction. “Sociology” should be in quotes as well, not only because it’s a useless pseudo-science, but also because it too is a social construction. As a matter of fact, the comma should be in quotes. Stay true to your word.
As is probably evident from that last paragraph”,” I believe that several academic disciplines are currently trashing the press, which is a weird way of saying that they’re teaching people to write like shit. Sadly, Psychology is likely one of these disciplines, as is evident from the stuff you’re reading right now. Compare it to some of my earlier posts. This is garbage, stop reading it. It will only get worse from here. That aside, the Sciences and the Pseudo-Sciences (Sociology) will teach you to write blunt, jargon-filled masterpieces which utilize perfect execution of APA citation regulations.
Maybe I just offended someone by calling Sociology a pseudo-science. If so, I’m glad. If anyone is reading this (haHA) who also happens to be debating over what field of study to pursue in college, do not even consider Sociology- because it’s a joke. It should be renamed lolSociologyjk. Sociologists need to start using the C. Wright Mills questions to analyze the pointlessness of their own existence instead of obsessing over the status of impersonalized groups.
Well, that felt awesome. Until next time, keep it real. Be thoughtful, be clever, but don’t be cute.
lol almost forgot… this happened today:
Wednesday May 9th, 2007
Main Campus Path
(in an extremely annoying matter-of-fact tone) “Did YOU know that OUR university is producing NUCLEAR WEAPONS?!?”
(me) “Actually they aren’t; they’re contributing to the research and development of nuclear technology in general”
“That’s just what they want you to think. They’re lying.”
“How do you know?”
“Are you kidding me?!? It’s a well-known fact!”
“Actually… it’s not. There are about 500 people out of several million who suspect that nuclear weapons are being manufactured on this campus”
“I can’t believe how ignorant you’re being!”
“I can’t believe that you haven’t been able to find something better to do with your life”
“As a matter of fact, I find this highly important…”
“I know, hence I mock you”
“…and I will be participating in the tent city and hunger strike next week. The Regents don’t care about us!”
“So let me get this straight… you guys hate the University of California and the Regents now? Did you run out of organizations to protest or something?”
“You’re a Conservative, aren’t you?”
“Amongst a multitude of insane liberals. Yes.”
“HAHA OH MY GOD YOU MAKE ME LAUGH! I can’t believe you just ASSUMED that I’m a liberal! I’m not affiliated with any party and refuse to label myself as “left wing”, “liberal”, or any construct of the…”
“Alright alright I’ve heard enough. First of all, I haven’t called you anything yet. But right now I am going to. You’re one of those liberals who are so liberal that they refuse to call themselves liberals. Goodbye lefty.”
“You are so hopeless! Guess I won’t be seeing you at the rally today or the hunger strike next week.”
“NOPE. And I hope you all starve. Bye”
Just fyi- I am not making these up. Obviously I don’t remember the exact conversation word for word, but what you read is pretty darn close to what was actually said. I only recently started attempting to own the sidewalk solicitors, but I’m getting better at it every day and am starting to think it’s extremely fun and entertaining. I’m not afraid anymore! I will admit there have been a few times where they’ve been able to hold their ground, but those don’t need to go on my blog. Also, the only defense they usually have is quoting strange websites or statistics that they claim to have found on CNN.
UCSB Became Neighborhood #3!!! May 9, 2007
Posted by Bobby in college, posts that poke fun at the UC System, stupid canadian music jokes.1 comment so far
That’s right, I woke up with the power out and it was sure as hell something to shout about…
I went out into the light, I went out to find some light, but there wasn’t any. I couldn’t finish (start) reading my China book, I couldn’t finish (start) writing my paper, because someone broke the power lines, but nobody’s home so nobody minds.
It was dark as night, kids all were shoutin’ that they can’t find the light (We can’t find the light!). The incident lasted from 6PM until 10PM. The scene was actually relatively quiet, probably since drinking alcohol was considered to be pointless by many since the state of blackout was already achieved through other means.
Also, you can’t cook food without electricity. Thus, I inadvertently participated in my first hunger strike. I finally feel like a college student.
How UCSB Has Helped me Cope with Solicitors May 7, 2007
Posted by Bobby in anti-soliciting, college, effective coping strategies, life, posts that poke fun at the UC System, ways to make bobby sad.2 comments
Tuesday May 1, 2007
The Arbor
“Hey kid, have you heard about the student strike against war next week?!?”
“(me) mhmmmm…”
“Well, are you gonna go???!?”
“NOPE, I’m going to class, and after that I’m gonna go to work”
“Why?!? That’s business as usual!”
“I know”
“Well the strike is all about stopping business as usual! The war in Iraq is business as usual now and we’re doing this to start opening people’s eyes so that we can end the war right now! Justice will be ser…”
“Okay okay stop right there. Think about what you’re saying. Do you seriously think there are people out there who aren’t aware that there’s a war going on? I support the war and yeah, even I’m a little tired of it. Everyone’s tired of it. There hasn’t been a single significant war in human history that anyone’s breezed right through without setbacks. That doesn’t mean we should just end it immediately and lose everything we’ve accomplished so far. Plus, you’re protesting in effing Santa Barbara, the most liberal city not called San Francisco. PLUS you’re protesting on a college campus….. what exactly is this whole thing accomplishing?”
“Why do you support the war?!?”
“Leave me alone. I’m gonna continue walking to Subway now.”
Wednesday May 2nd, 2007
The Arbor
“Hey have you pledge KALPUR?”
“Nope.” (I continue walking)
“WAIT, DON’T YOU WANNA HEAR WHAT IT IS?”
“Not really, I probably don’t care”
“It’s a fund to help protect the environment and…”
“Yeah I don’t care. See ya.”
Later….
“Separate the church and state”
“No thanks”
“Why not?”
“Why?”
“Well why not?”
“Do they pay you to stand out here and bug people who just want to quietly walk to lunch undisturbed”
“No I’m a volunteer”
“Good for you”
Thursday May 10th, 2007
The UCEN
“Hi there!”
“umm hi”
“How are you?”
“I’m alright, just walking to lunch”
“Thats cool. Have you pledged KALPUR”
“…. nope.”
“You want to?”
“Not at all. Leave me alone.”
“Do you want a sticker?”
“No. I hate stickers almost as much as the environment.”
While walking OUT from lunch
(different person)
“Hey!”
“What do you want”
“How has your day been”
“It’s been awesome, but you don’t care. What do you want?”
“Have you pledged KALPUR”
“Nope and I don’t want to. The next person who asks me is getting a shovel to the face.”
“But haven’t you heard of all the great things KALPUR does??”
“Actually people tell me that their IBARC accounts keep getting charged by KALPUR even after their pledge period is up. Once you’ve pledged, you’re stuck with it until you stop paying tuition.”
“Well yeah, that’s part of the contract..”
“So you can never change your mind. Lame. Stop asking me.”
“Well alright, but we do sooo much for the environment… HEY! what are you doing?!?”
“Littering. Have a nice day.”
Friday May 11th, 2007
The UCEN
“Hi there”
(ignores)
Later: “Hey, wanna join the Women’s Outreach pledge”
(ignores)
Later: “Have you pledged KALPUR”
“NOPE. DON’T CARE”
“Want a free sticker?”
(ignores)
Later: “Sign up here for your events calendar”
(ignores)
“Join the college democrats”
(ignores, but secretly wonders why that’s even a group)
Later: “Hey”
“ughhh WHAT DO YOU whoa shit hey Shelly, what’s up?”
The point of all this: If I want to join a group or pledge money, I’ll do it on my own. Universities should ban people from handing out pointless junk and promoting causes at the campus centers. Setting up tables where interested passer-bys can stop is totally fine, but having newbie members stand around the campus, running up and shoving stuff in the faces of innocent people passing by is annoying and rude, especially when said solicitors pretend to start honest conversations, only to throw their latest plea for money in your direction. All I want is to be able to walk to lunch without the same strange organizations asking me to join every single day. ANNOYING! STOP! LOL!
UCs Add a 57th Ethic Studies Major March 25, 2007
Posted by Bobby in college, fake news, posts that poke fun at the UC System.2 comments
After experiencing pressure from nearly all fronts, the Regents of the University of California announced that they will allocate 47.5 million dollars to four campuses in order to lay the foundation for the new Equatorial Guinean Transvestite Studies department. Students expressed joy and relief upon hearing the announcement, even going so far as to announce that there will not be any more anti-war blockages of Route 101 until the year 2009.
“This group has been traditionally oppressed and unrepresented,” said a Law and Society professor from UCSF. “This country needs to realize that every single history book that has been written in the United States is wrong; the content was edited in 1972 by the present members of the Bush Administration.”
Many students have already expressed interest in declaring the new major. Many want a fresh start, many want a change of scenery, some just don’t know what else to do. “I dunno, I haven’t had much success in any of my classes so far,” stated Sun Kim, a third year at UCSB. “I’m pretty bad at Physics. I tried entering Asian-American Studies, but it was basically the same thing.”
Kim’s example illustrates that the course content of these Ethnic Studies majors is in no way biased towards members of the respective minority group. “Many students don’t want to try Chicano Studies or Latin American studies, thinking they’ll need to speak Spanish in order to succeed,” said a guest Professor from the east coast. “Aboriginal Languages and Swahili will in no way be required during the initial study of this ethnic group. Students should not worry about being overwhelmed by Equatorial Guineans in these classes. The ratio of transvestites to non-transvestites will be kept at a reasonable level.”
Many individuals wonder what sorts of careers await graduates with a degree in Ethnic Studies majors. Most go on to become professors. “Frankly, the only reason these departments exist is because the University wants them to,” claimed a Chemistry Professor from San Diego. “The only job you’ll get with a Slavic Studies degree is Professor of Slavic Studies at a UC school. It’s really not that bad a job either. All you have to do is study, travel, be housed and fed by the taxpayers of California, and flunk a whole bunch of hung-over college students. And you can’t get fired.”
Considerable debate is still occurring regarding the selection of Ethnic Studies Major (ESM) #58. Finalists will be announced through the CollegeBoard website sometime between April and July.
