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Life Should Not Include the Following June 30, 2007

Posted by Bobby in ESPN, Pacman Jones, college, football, life, news/views, social life, social scene, ways to make bobby sad.
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I’m extremely tired of the following ideas, concepts, places, and actions. Therefore, if I catch someone associating themselves with any of these blacklisted nouns, I will force them to sit in a closet and listen to my Björk albums continuously for three days.

Phrase: “It’s my life, I can do what I want!” (usually proceeded with some form of “hey, fuck you”)

Rationale: It’s also my life decision to make fun of you for being an idiot who makes stupid decisions and acts like a retard. Justifying your emo-ness or scenester attitudes and actions by claiming that you are capable of doing whatever you want with your life is ridiculous and lacks any form of logic or reasoning. Closely related to this is the concept of “don’t judge me!” (along with the people who say that you should like them because they never judge anyone). Hate to break it to you, but everyone subconsciously judges others whether they intend to or not. The people who suck at life are those who deny that they go through this process. Really, life will be a lot clearer if you just make up your mind on what’s acceptable and not acceptable to you, then try to associate yourself with people who fall in the “acceptable” range. Obviously your BFFs will fall out of the acceptable range every once in awhile, but that’s when you whip out your newfound power of judgement by letting them know what’s up. There’s a huge difference between judging a person and judging a person’s actions. I wish everyone would magically realize this.

Concept: Tokenism

This will be included in a future blog where I argue that 79% of the stuff they teach you in college is total bullshit (20% of the non-bullshit falls in the math and engineering departments. The remaining 1% occurs when the professor tells you the dates of the midterm and the final, though they manage to screw that up sometimes, too.). Tokenism is, in a nutshell, the idea that white people consciously allow a select number of individuals from ethnic minorities to succeed so that it doesn’t seem like they are racists, while at the same time they deliberately stop all other members of minority groups from achieving any success or progress. In my humble opinion, this is stretching it a bit. People just l-u-v to find crazy explanations for the parts of life that are difficult to understand. Guess it makes everyone feel better.

Place: Hookah Bars

I don’t know when and I don’t know how or why, but all of the sudden it seems like everyone wants to smoke hookah. When I was first introduced to hookah as a sophomore in high school, NOBODY had even heard of it, much less gone to shady bars to smoke it underage. For some reason kids just get sooo amazed by smoking from a waterpipe; guess it makes them feel badass or something. It was still pretty underground even during my junior year, but senior year it started to pick up. Two years later and it has suddenly exploded everywhere- I didn’t even notice it that much during my first year of college. But hey, eating bad food and getting syphilis of the mouth sounds like an awesome new weekend activity.

Person: Pacman Jones
Channel: ESPN

After one year away from constant TV viewing (I didn’t have one in my dorm room), ESPN has gone sour. I have no idea who Pacman Jones, Mr. Irrelevant, or Tank Johnson are. I haven’t followed up on their stories at all, because every time I hear “TONIGHT ON SPORTSCENTER, EAST COAST TEAMS AND HIGHLIGHT REELS. ALSO, PACMAN JONES,” I flip the channel to FSC or GolTv to watch some real sports. I actually like American Football a little bit and I follow it during the season. Pacman Jones played for Tennessee, but I don’t remember ever hearing his name mentioned. I’m pretty sure he’s just an average defensive player. I don’t understand why we need to constantly hear updates on him when he isn’t even that good of a player, and everyone seems to hate him anyway. Actually scratch the hatred argument, because we still follow Barry Bonds, though we’re all hoping he’ll suffer a career-ending injury before he further stains the hallowed record books.

I actually just remembered who Mr. Irrelevant is; he’s the last guy to get picked in the NFL draft. This makes me wonder why he was offered a contract. Maybe we’ll hear about it on SPORTSCENTER, AFTER WE GO TO OUR T.O. BUREAU IN DALLAS. Thank you, T.O. today was T.O. T.O. while in fantasy T.O. T.O. T.O. REGGIE BUSH MICHAEL VICK TOM BRADY BARRY BONDS DELGADO DEL-GOT-IT. WHOOP! YANKEES YANKEES BRON BRON WITH MORE ON NIKE’S SHOE ADVERTISEMENTS HERE’S SOME GUY FROM ABC NEWS. STEROIDS. HUMAN INTEREST STORY. TOP PLAYS: DUNK, DUNK, DUNK, some running back reaching a career mark with a 1-yard run. should not be a top play, Stu. VIDEO OF SOME KID MAKING A HALF COURT SHOT IN A HIGH SCHOOL BASKETBALL GAME- bonus points if the kid’s autistic, DUNK, DUNK, goal- either by Real Madrid or FC Barcelona or Sidney Crosby yay!, DUNK, someone making a retirement speech then subsequently finishing off their career with their worst game, and finally another DUNKKKKK! For something related to news turn to ESPNNEWS.

Canine Labor Movements June 3, 2007

Posted by Bobby in animals, humor, news/views, social scene.
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It’s recently come to my attention that dogs are subjected to the most inhumane treatment of all animals. Most of us simply subjugate them to house arrest, but often times they are forced to engage in much more disturbing practices. Filmmakers even force them to talk sometimes for their movies, ignoring the fact that dogs do not possess the proper vocal cords for human language. Shameful!

For some reason, dogs are slowly overtaking the household pet scene, leaving cats behind in the dust. Obviously the cats are not pleased, but they always seem to be preoccupied with licking themselves or vomiting in shoes. Demographics have shown that cats still dominate households with old ladies, but dogs have an extreme edge in places where men dwell. This is likely due to the fact that having a dog is masculine, whereas having a cat is perverted.

If a dog is lost, it is totally fitting for a man to go out to the porch, put one leg up on the rail and start yelling “REX! Where are you boy? REX!” On the other hand, scurrying through bushes and whispering “here kitty kitty. tsk tsk tsk. come home kitty” is a completely different story. Anyone walking by will label you as a pervert right away. Thank heavens God invented the rape whistle to protect against people like you.

The most tragic fact about dogs is that the noble ones always end up dying horrible deaths. Case and point: seeing-eye dogs. These dogs exist for one reason, and one reason only: so that the swerving car will kill the dog instead of the blind person. How many times must these dogs be subjected to barbaric treatment? Blind people constantly issue orders that the dogs are extremely uncomfortable obeying.

“Walk me across this street, Air Bud,” said Gladys. “Rufff Ruuuuuuuf?!?” (Dumb bitch, this is a river!), said Air Bud. “Come on! Let’s go!,” said Gladys. They both drowned.

Law enforcement up the ante on the abuse, particularly the DEA. Dogs are hired to sniff drugs, a job which many of my hallmates would likely take in a second, depending on the hours. In the age of terrorism, the job has become even more difficult for drug-sniffing dogs. Anthrax, cocaine, powdered sugar, and Pixie Stix residue are extremely difficult to distinguish between, unless your name is Keith Richards. To complicate things even further, dogs must work through wintertime on the east coast and Midwest. It snows over there. How many white powders can one possibly expect these animals to deal with?

Convalescent homes for retired drug dogs are overwhelmed with patients. On a recent visit, an Irish dog was seen bathing himself, proclaiming “I can’t taste me ass, and I dun know why!” As I moved a step closer, the dog became noticeably shaken and antsy. Suddenly, the poor Celtic mutt panicked and went “WHOAAA! LORD ALMIGHTY BABY JESUS WHAT WAS THAT?!??!? Ahhhhh, phew. It’s jus’ me tail.”

Meanwhile, the cats laugh their asses off and proclaim the brilliance of their indolence. Then they come up with clever rhymes, but one thing they never, ever come up with is a suitable ending to their think pieces.

Paris Hilton Makes the News For Carrying a Book May 23, 2007

Posted by Bobby in irony, news/views, paris hilton.
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Apparently Paris Hilton was spotted carrying a Bible yesterday. This was seen to be important enough to make the headlines on Yahoo’s homepage. I also heard several radio stations briefly relay the story.

I carry books around everywhere, but I’m not a celebrity. What am I doing wrong?

NHL Playoffs News/Views May 14, 2007

Posted by Bobby in hockey, news/views.
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News: Ted Saskin fired as NHLPA executive director. Story.

Views: Nobody will be sad to see him leave. He should have been gone much earlier, however, and I’m not thrilled about the timing/reason he’s finally getting the boot. The days of unionization are far behind us. Strikes and lockouts provide “benefits” for workers at the expense of other workers. In the end, workers end up losing far more than they gain, as a result of earning no income during the strike period. Albertsons lockouts are also terribly inconvenient for patrons who need to go grocery shopping, and NHL lockouts are terribly inconvenient for hockey fans and players who need a real sport (i.e. not NBA basketball or NFL football) to watch and play. So to Gary Bettman, Bob Goodenow, and Ted Saskin: Thanks for destroying a perfectly good season of hockey back in 2004. You should have been fired back then, not now after reports of your illegal viewing of players’ e-mails.

News: Ottawa Takes 2-0 series lead over the Sabres.Story.

Views: Buffalo is overrated. In fact, the entire Eastern Conference is extremely overrated. Now that Marty and the Devils are hitting the links, the goaltending gap has widened even further. Pretty sad considering that 7 of the 8 Western Conference goaltenders who started the playoffs are better than the East’s #2 guy.

East Coast Hockey’s long-lived claim to superiority laid in the general belief that the East Coast style was more physical, tactical, and aggressive than the hockey played on the west coast. Now that the NHL schedule has been horribly edited by Gary Bettman, Inc. to a format where teams only play eight West-East games per year, the two conferences have clearly developed two different styles of play. The difference is much more defined than it was in previous years. The east coast game is slow, methodical, incorporates more coaching strategies, traps players who aren’t named Crosby or Ovechkin in a restrictive playing system, and produces high-scoring contests due to a lack of defensive depth and sub-par goaltending. The west coast game is fast, physical, exciting, free-flowing, balanced, allows for player creativity, and produces exciting close contests since goals need to be earned due to the high skill of goaltenders in the conference. In addition, the scoring is more spread out among players in the West since the game is played with a team concept instead of a NBA-esque build-your-franchise-around-a-superstar complex.

The Buffalo Sabres are probably the one exception to this rule on the east coast, but their weaknesses are currently being put on display. They breezed through the regular season and thus don’t play with much of an “edge.” Ottawa is rolling all over them right now, and the Sabres lack the confidence and tenacity needed to overcome setbacks. Look for a series sweep. Not joking.

News: Ducks even series with Red Wings. Story

Views: YES!!!

News: Ducks LW Kunitz Expected To Miss Remainder of Playoffs. Story

Views: FUCK

Other Observations:

- Mike Emrick is a terrible play-by-play announcer. It sounds like I’m listening to one of my professors narrate a hockey game every time I hear this guy. Ironically, Emrick has a PhD and goes by the nickname “Doc,” so maybe he’ll be teaching a communications class at UCSB next year?

- Brett Hull was disliked as a player, but he’s even worse as a person. During NBC’s coverage of the 2nd round, Hull was constantly antagonizing Bill Clement during the intermission and postgame segments. It was just blatant rottenness. At least Jeremy Roenick is funny when he’s being a douche.

- I’m watching the Buffalo-Ottawa game right now, and it looks like my sweep theory is about to be one step closer to coming true. Also, if Emrick uses the phrase “shake-and-bake” one more time, the Versus Network is getting spammed e-mails tonight.

- Ducks vs. Wings Game 3 is tomorrow. Go Ducks.

Fin.