Where Mute Memories Start Talking

Who here likes Calculus? Yeah, didn’t think so. People who like calculus usually can’t speak (much less read) English, so even if one of those creatures happens to stumble upon this, they’ll have no idea what the hell is going on. Plus (pun intended), they won’t be able to interpolate in order to get an “accurate guess” of what I’m saying, either. No formulas, no shortcuts, no factoring-out the difference of two squares to simplify… only rock-solid reading comprehension skills will work out in this neck of the woods.

When I’m having personal problems, I have one best friend. Her name is TI-89 Titanium Edition, and I treat her with care and respect. In return, she provides me with all the answers I need. She’s always been there for me.

I was going to ask her to be my Valentine, but I was afraid I’d be rejected. This is my 18th year in a row without a Valentine, and I’m 18 years old. There’s no way she likes me; she’d rather hang out with the mechanical engineering guys. Supposedly those fellows always know the right buttons to push. I’m a little sloppy sometimes. Occasionally, my boo gets a tad frustrated when I cause a few too many syntax errors in one session. She’ll respond by giving me scientific notation, when what I really wanted was normal exponential format. Sometimes she won’t do anything at all, and, in desperation, I resort to using imaginary numbers. Alone.

Today was especially bad. When TI-90 and I got together, I quickly realized that her angle settings were in degrees instead of radians for some reason. I suspect foul play. I saw some strange biochem major screwing around with her f(x) settings earlier today. Some pretty weird graphs showed up during our time together. I’m not soo0o0o0 protective that I would care about f(x) settings…even friends mess around with those sometimes… but I can’t help but think that more was going on.

Plus, the curve in calculus courses is ridiculous, so I want everyone except for me to be stuck with a measley TI-83. I love unfair advantages. Screw you all.

Now I think I’ve had the final straw. I really need to have a chat with TI-89. This past evening, I started tackling some fairly basic logarithmic equations. This is stuff that even a below-silver edition piece of rubbish could easily accomplish. I barely even get started, when BAM! I realize that my calculator has no log key!

I began where one must always begin. EVERYONE loves doing this: I look at all the keys, and see no log. I look at all the blue “2nd” functions printed above the keys, and see no log. Next come the alpha functions, the “math” menu, various programs, etc. NOTHING! So it comes down to the last resort- manually scanning through the catalog of EVERY function the calculator is capable of performing.

I scan through the catalog and find a function entitled “logistic.” I know that this probably won’t work, but I try to put in “logisitc 7.”
“ERROR: too few arguments”
Who the hell likes to argue? “Escape” -> back to the catalog. This one looks better, it’s called “logbase” and it has an open parentheses right after. That means you’re supposed to put numbers in there. This is looking good.

I put two-and-two together (not literally) and reason that the “logbase” function requires you to enter the logbase, then a factor. Since I’m only using logs with bases of 10, I enter “logbase(10)(7)”
“ERROR: syntax”
Words straight from the devil’s mouth. Syntax errors are located in the 7th circle, right above the place where the demons throw people into tar pits. I think that was mentioned in the Fourth Canto.

Now I’m pissed and kinda wishing I had just stuck with the TI-83, since I know how to use one of those unbelievably well. Just ask my Algebra II teacher; he hated me since I would always show the dumb kids easy ways to solve problems using the hidden features of Texas Instruments. Math sucks, but calculator-skills are undoubtedly an art form. “Doing it in your head” should be reserved for other areas of life. I’m not deleting that last sentence. Hollister probably needs some more lewd t-shirt expressions, anyway.

So to everyone out there, Happy Valentine’s Day. Someone please find me a log table and a slide-ruler.