Where Mute Memories Start Talking

As some of you may know, I was trapped on a train in the middle of a brushfire yesterday. Eventually, I made my way back to Goleta via a $40 taxi ride. Or so you think….

Here’s what really happened:

Fittingly, the journey began on a street called Majestic Cypress. This is a bit ironic since a whole bunch of Cypress trees probably ended up burning to the ground and dying. Not majestic by any means.

After attempting to help my friend Katie fix the iChat feature on her laptop, my father started sending me texts saying that my train is leaving in 15 minutes. I glance at my watch and see that it’s about 6:00 PM. Unfortunately, I mistakenly believed that the train was leaving Fullerton at 6:53, when the actual departure time was 6:13. Majestic Cypress is about 20 minutes away from my house, so I was pretty much screwed.

Luckily I can drive pretty fast and recklessly if I so desire, and this was most definitely a situation where I so-desired. Home by 6:10. Luckily my dad can also drive fast and recklessly if he so desires, and this was most definitely a situation where he so-desired. Hell, we even had time to buy a sandwich and chips for me to eat on the ride, which helped since I hadn’t had anything to eat all day. To make matters worse, I had Coffee Bean on an empty stomach while at Katie’s. Needless to say, food helped.

The train left promptly and was actually on schedule all the way through Camarillo. Anyone who has taken Amtrak before knows that this is a rare occasion. Two hours late is an “average-lengthed trip”. I was extremely bored, so I started texting a bunch of people, but I didn’t get many responses (thanks friends!) so I sat idly listening to whatever music the gods of iPod Shuffle-mode decided to throw at me.

Amtrak employees like to make 12907 announcements during the course of a typical train ride. 50% of these announcements will have to do with the Cafe Car, which spontaneously opens and closes several times during the trip. Since I’m a rail veteran (my dad seriously gets Amtrak Rewards off his credit card, as opposed to the typical Sky Miles and/or Disney Rewards), I pretty much zone out during any and all announcements. However, I heard the word “fire” during an announcement just outside of Santa Barbara, and was thus entranced.

The train stopped, which is not the least bit unusual, but in the distance I saw smoke and flames outside the window. Concerned, I got out of my seat, found an employee, and asked, “Conductor, do you have any information regarding the flames down over yonder?” Annoyed, she said “Had you been paying attention to the announcements, you would have taken heed to some important instructions regarding a request for all passengers to sit calmly in their seats until further notice. Therefore, this is not the appropriate forum for the question which you have just presented. Please proceed back to your seat and await further instructions.” I was impressed with her use of speech, and am still wondering what she was doing working for a government-operated train company.

The flames started to pick up speed, and the cabin of the train quickly started to fill with smoke. I was concerned for the elderly people, and I would have been concerned for the children had there been any, but most parents smartly keep their kids away from rail transportation. Soon we realized that the entire crew and engineering staff had ditched the train via helicopter. The smoke was starting to become extremely thick. Luckily I can break windows if I so desire, and this was most definitely a situation where I so-desired. Fresh ventilation soothed and calmed the distraught riders.

I attempted to contact the Santa Barbara Train Station via owl, but Snowball succumbed to the flames before he was able to deliver the distress message. A middle-aged man suggested that we tap out Morse Code on the damaged radio in hopes of contacting a nearby freight train. I asked the man if he knew Morse Code. He replied that he didn’t. I requested that he refrain from any further speech.

The helicopter jammed all cellular devices in the area, so that solution was out of the question. As the flames drew nearer, we decided that the only way out would be to run to the 7-11 which had been on the right-hand side of our position the entire time. Sometimes people in the forest just really need a Slurpee, I guess.

The flames took out car#1 before anyone could escape, but car #2 was promptly evacuated. Car #3 cut it close since it’s the Cafe Car and it needed to take its scheduled closing period, but that ended in the knick of time and the doors opened. As the fire neared the car I was in , I realized that there would not be enough time for all of us to squeeze out the door. Knowing this, I boldly decided that I would go down with the train as an honorary Captain. This practice is usually reserved for ships at sea, but I figured it would be ok to momentarily re-write the rulebooks. Besides, the rules are more like guidelines. Parlay, Poppet.

It soon became apparent that two people needed to be sacrificed in order to save the majority. Luckily I can tackle someone and throw them into a fire if I so desire, and this was most definitely a situation where I so desired. I chose to take out the guy who suggested we use Morse Code, since I hated him and he needed to make up for his earlier stupidity. Long story short, we both died so everyone could live. I’m now the Patron Saint of Southern California Hockey Fans.

Fin
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For the record, this entire story was true up until the part where I start talking to the conductor. In the real version, Bobby and a few others get kicked off the train at Santa Barbara (UCSB is at the next stop, Goleta). Some take the Amtrak bus, others take taxis. I took a taxi. The fare ended up being $39.50. My train ticket was $24.00.

150 miles for $24.00
7 miles for $39.50

Friends don’t let friends use YellowCab.