Dear Norton, Please Burn In My Fireplace September 27, 2007
Posted by Bobby in Norton Anthology, college, life, literary criticism, literature, posts that poke fun at the UC System.add a comment
The one thing that could possibly rival fire alarms as my most feared inanimate object in high school was a device colloquially known as a “Norton”. For those uninformed, the object in question formally goes by the moniker of “Norton Anthology of English Literature”. They are extremely large “books” which contain copious amounts of work from a certain era, country, or culture. They are a thorough pain in the ass to carry around, and are extremely thick to the point where handling the book becomes extremely awkward due to the odd shape.
After my second year of high school, I always told my parents to avoid buying the book since I honestly never even opened it outside of class. I could’ve easily just borrowed the thing from someone who was in English during a different period. Since I was one of the special kids in honors classes, it was usually pretty easy for me to borrow a book from the DGAF water polo players as long as I promised to return it by the end of the year so they could mix it with hash and smoke it over summer.
Of course my parents refused to comply, despite my good intentions of saving them money and saving me the hassle of dragging a 3,000 page piece of rubbish around campus. The book was honestly a pain to read even during the times I decided to go through it a bit. For starters, anytime you’re reading something that comes before page 500 or after page 2700, the book slants awkwardly to one side. It forces you to tilt your head to avoid glare from the standard reading light. To complicate matters even further, the pages start to curve when you approach the middle of the book, creating a large bump on the text which interrupts normal eye scanning patterns necessary for coherent reading. My attention span is horrible as is, I don’t need these extra distractions while I attempt to grubble through excerpts of Chaucer’s Canterbury Tales.
Lo and behold, my English class this quarter uses a Norton Anthology as a textbook. Shoot me in the face. After four years of never even bothering to deal with these horrid contraptions, I think I’ll be forced to give one a decent read. I got through AP English with an A and a 5 without reading any Norton excerpts ONCE, but I don’t think the same strategy will bode well in this institution of higher academia (haaaa).
On a final note, I’ve started to notice that once you hit a certain level, academics and common sense start to become inversely related. Think about that for a second. To give an example: all my professors are very intelligent, but total dumbshits at the same time. I miss real life sometimes, and I think that many members of the faculty here could use a good dose of real life, just so they realize how idealized all their crackpot theories and politics are, and how ineffective said theories would be if someone foolishly tried to implement them in the real world.
Stay Happy: Avoid Drama May 25, 2007
Posted by Bobby in effective coping strategies, humor, life, social life.add a comment
Every time a relationship struggles because of drama, there is a simple solution to the problem. Destroy the person responsible, since it’s obviously never your fault! Bring it!
When that isn’t possible, another course of action has always worked for me. Even problems that are totally on me suddenly disappear when this tactic is used. This is not a miracle or an advertising scam. Just a suggestion.
Do not, by any means, argue on the telephone. Someone will hang up in anger eventually, and the tactics I’m about to describe require physical body presence. By now it should be apparent that AIM and texting are off-limits as well.
Hopefully the good-for-nothing scumbag who is unjustly ruining your life will barge into your room and start barking obscenities at you. If not, invite said scumbag over to “discuss” the issues. Remember, communication is key to a successful relationship!!! 
Invite the individual in, and sit at a desk near your bed. Start fiddling around on the computer. The best course of action is to log onto Wikipedia. Continually click on “random article” and read these articles to your drama buddy. To really break the ice and get the conversation going, try this article.
After no more than 3 minutes of arguing and Wikipedia browsing (you undoubtedly learned something new during the process as well. Way to go!), interrupt and say to your friend “Hey, you know what? I think I’m just gonna go pass out for a little bit.”
This will undoubtedly leave the drama queen/king dead in their tracks; shocked, so to speak. Climb into your bed and pull the covers over your head. When they ask what in the hell you think you’re doing, simply respond “I’m just gonna take a little nap, no big deal. You can keep yelling at me if you’d like. I can rest through noise. I might not even fall asleep.”
At first, you’ll probably be drilled with insults relating to immaturity and indolence. Just take cover during this initial volley. The enemy will need to reload eventually. However, be wise; do not attack. They shall grow weary to your impregnable (not able to be impregnated?) defenses and will eventually speak these words: “Alright, I guess we’ll just need to talk about this some other time.”
Two weeks of silence will pass, then everything will be good as new!
Empowered with this knowledge, go out and conquer the world.
I shall now depart to go watch the Stars Wars marathon.
Why You Shouldn’t Blog About Personal Problems May 25, 2007
Posted by Bobby in effective coping strategies, life, times i decided to be serious.1 comment so far
DISCLAIMER: The entry below is indeed hypocritical!
I know it sounds a little strange to be saying this on a journal-based social networking site… but I need to find an effective form of self-expression. Everyone reading right now is thinking “wow dumbass, write whatever you want on here and reveal all your emo thoughts to the world,” but that really isn’t the point. If I want to talk about all my issues and receive direct personal therapy, I’ll just talk to my friends. What I’m looking for is a way to blow off steam without involving anyone else, because even I get annoyed when people come to me with the same unsolvable problem over and over and over again. I try my best to avoid doing the same to others.
One of the reasons I enjoy music so much is that it allows for personal interpretation. Almost all music reflects the beliefs and feelings of the composer, but material that is well-written/composed also allows for the listener to fill in details and perspectives of their own life, thus making it possible for one to “relate to” specific songs, artists, etc. My favorite artists are ones whose music I can relate to, though I rarely agree with the lifestyles and personal choices made by those in the music scene. I like to keep it clean.
I’ve tried to write my own material before, but I’m never satisfied with it. I can play both guitar and piano very well, and I would say I have a good ear, but the whole songwriting thing has never really clicked. I have trouble combining the styles of the artists who influence me to create my own niche. Plus, I really don’t think I can write anything better than the stuff I’ve heard already.
So… I think I should find something else. I have no idea what, though. In one of my psych classes I’ve been studying experiments regarding the benefits of expressive writing. Journaling has never really done the trick for me. Posting whiny blogs like this one are never really any fun, either. I feel much more satisfied after posting something witty and clever than after posting one of these. I think this is serious post #3. Not bad.
Another reason why I try to avoid throwing diary entries online for the world to see is because I’m never dealing with anything all that serious. Yeah, I have some problems and concerns, but who doesn’t? The 4-5 biggest things that induce emo-ness in Bobby are problems that everyone has, just in different contexts. Plus, I always feel better in about three days. On Sunday I will look at this and start laughing hysterically.
To close this out, I’m gonna tag this entry as “effective coping strategies” and encourage everyone out there to express themselves, but I’m also going to beg everyone to do it privately, because every time you annoy someone with an emo rant, a kitten dies.
To the four kittens who have passed from this earth during the writing of this entry, rest in peace. May your afterlives be filled with Friskies, catnip, and fresh furniture.
~Keep it real, mah readers.
Please Shoot This Goat May 21, 2007
Posted by Bobby in college, events occuring at a local Starbucks, irony, life.add a comment
I need to stop going to the Starbucks in Isla Vista, for my own personal safety. There is an aura of premature death surrounding the place. Today I saw a girl sitting on a table outside with a Venti sized caffeinated beverage, several cans of beer, and a cigarette. She was alternating between the three, playing Survivor the home game so to speak. Odds are 3:1 that the heart, liver, and lungs will all go at once.
After leaving that ugly sight behind, a strange homeless looking man walked through the door to Starbucks right after me (i.e. I held the door open for him). Following closely behind, on a makeshift leash, was a goat. The preppy baristas were naturally terrified by this sight and proceeded to ask the man to leave. This ignited a “surprisingly” passionate debate over the man’s right to be served. I broke my previously stated English Writing Rules and placed “surprisingly” in quotes since these strange political/social debates seem to spring up everywhere now. They’re as normal as the goat.
If you’ve read some of my previous entries, pet goats are not at all uncommon in Isla Vista. Take every rule of civilized society ingrained in your mind, and reverse it. At the same time, imagine 3000 noises coming out of a stereo speaker simultaneously with lots of feedback. Now make yourself really sad by reminiscing over a tragic event, like the death of a beloved pet. Got it? Good, that’s a weekend evening in Isla Vista and I just saved you the trouble of coming up here to see it for yourself. To experience late night/early morning Isla Vista, close your eyes and spin around in circles really fast for 5 minutes, then go to sleep.
Anyway, goats. Several annoying Universal Justice For All-types eventually convinced the baristas to serve the homeless guy, who proceeded to order a doubleshot latte… for the goat. Not joking. He walked outside, sat at a table across from the girl who is going to die by age 25, and poured the drink into a little bowl. The goat started drinking it happily.
While walking by this sight, I heard the homeless man muttering obscenities to the goat. It sounded like stalker/rapist language. “ooo there there girl, drink that up. yeaahhhh do that.” “ahh thats good isn’t it. yeahhh it is.” “do you like the gift that daddy just bought you. yeahhh you do.” Apparently goats dig Starbucks.
Thank God I decided to walk a little slower to listen in, because I was still within earshot when I suddenly heard the substance indulgence girl tell the homeless man “Stop. That stuff probably isn’t very good for the goat.” Chuckle.
How UCSB Has Helped me Cope with Solicitors May 7, 2007
Posted by Bobby in anti-soliciting, college, effective coping strategies, life, posts that poke fun at the UC System, ways to make bobby sad.2 comments
Tuesday May 1, 2007
The Arbor
“Hey kid, have you heard about the student strike against war next week?!?”
“(me) mhmmmm…”
“Well, are you gonna go???!?”
“NOPE, I’m going to class, and after that I’m gonna go to work”
“Why?!? That’s business as usual!”
“I know”
“Well the strike is all about stopping business as usual! The war in Iraq is business as usual now and we’re doing this to start opening people’s eyes so that we can end the war right now! Justice will be ser…”
“Okay okay stop right there. Think about what you’re saying. Do you seriously think there are people out there who aren’t aware that there’s a war going on? I support the war and yeah, even I’m a little tired of it. Everyone’s tired of it. There hasn’t been a single significant war in human history that anyone’s breezed right through without setbacks. That doesn’t mean we should just end it immediately and lose everything we’ve accomplished so far. Plus, you’re protesting in effing Santa Barbara, the most liberal city not called San Francisco. PLUS you’re protesting on a college campus….. what exactly is this whole thing accomplishing?”
“Why do you support the war?!?”
“Leave me alone. I’m gonna continue walking to Subway now.”
Wednesday May 2nd, 2007
The Arbor
“Hey have you pledge KALPUR?”
“Nope.” (I continue walking)
“WAIT, DON’T YOU WANNA HEAR WHAT IT IS?”
“Not really, I probably don’t care”
“It’s a fund to help protect the environment and…”
“Yeah I don’t care. See ya.”
Later….
“Separate the church and state”
“No thanks”
“Why not?”
“Why?”
“Well why not?”
“Do they pay you to stand out here and bug people who just want to quietly walk to lunch undisturbed”
“No I’m a volunteer”
“Good for you”
Thursday May 10th, 2007
The UCEN
“Hi there!”
“umm hi”
“How are you?”
“I’m alright, just walking to lunch”
“Thats cool. Have you pledged KALPUR”
“…. nope.”
“You want to?”
“Not at all. Leave me alone.”
“Do you want a sticker?”
“No. I hate stickers almost as much as the environment.”
While walking OUT from lunch
(different person)
“Hey!”
“What do you want”
“How has your day been”
“It’s been awesome, but you don’t care. What do you want?”
“Have you pledged KALPUR”
“Nope and I don’t want to. The next person who asks me is getting a shovel to the face.”
“But haven’t you heard of all the great things KALPUR does??”
“Actually people tell me that their IBARC accounts keep getting charged by KALPUR even after their pledge period is up. Once you’ve pledged, you’re stuck with it until you stop paying tuition.”
“Well yeah, that’s part of the contract..”
“So you can never change your mind. Lame. Stop asking me.”
“Well alright, but we do sooo much for the environment… HEY! what are you doing?!?”
“Littering. Have a nice day.”
Friday May 11th, 2007
The UCEN
“Hi there”
(ignores)
Later: “Hey, wanna join the Women’s Outreach pledge”
(ignores)
Later: “Have you pledged KALPUR”
“NOPE. DON’T CARE”
“Want a free sticker?”
(ignores)
Later: “Sign up here for your events calendar”
(ignores)
“Join the college democrats”
(ignores, but secretly wonders why that’s even a group)
Later: “Hey”
“ughhh WHAT DO YOU whoa shit hey Shelly, what’s up?”
The point of all this: If I want to join a group or pledge money, I’ll do it on my own. Universities should ban people from handing out pointless junk and promoting causes at the campus centers. Setting up tables where interested passer-bys can stop is totally fine, but having newbie members stand around the campus, running up and shoving stuff in the faces of innocent people passing by is annoying and rude, especially when said solicitors pretend to start honest conversations, only to throw their latest plea for money in your direction. All I want is to be able to walk to lunch without the same strange organizations asking me to join every single day. ANNOYING! STOP! LOL!
An Attempt to Tip the Scales March 21, 2007
Posted by Bobby in college, life, rants about pain.2 comments
While browsing through Davidson Library’s insanely large collection of periodicals, I stumbled across an issue of a magazine which had a cover story entitled “Pain and Misery”. At first I thought it was just a recent issue of Rolling Stone dealing with My Chemical Romance’s latest album, but a more thorough investigation revealed that it was a 2002 issue of Reader’s Digest. Intrigued, I decided to find the article and read about this joyous topic.
Magazines can be pretty confusing sometimes, especially in the table of contents. Does anyone else notice that the cover story is always the most difficult article to locate? The contents don’t seem to be ordered chronologically by page number, and they’re often separated by several pages of advertisements. I flipped through the 15 pages of Honda ads and realized that I was still reading the table of contents. More directions to random articles on random pages were presented on pages 16-19, none of which were entitled “Pain and Misery”. Frustrated, I started flipping back through the sophisticated Japanese Car ads in search of the article. Eventually I found an abstract and page numbers, deceivingly hidden amongst cookie recipes and culinary coupons.
The article was basically a simplified discussion of how pain is transmitted through the body via action potentials and neurotransmission, followed by a completely made-up-on-the-spot (i.e. unscientific) hypothesis of how certain drugs combined with mental processes will eventually lead to the ability of humans to consciously control the levels of pain they’re experiencing. Not gonna happen. The end of the written portion of the article dealt with the connection between pain, misery, and depression. Morbid.
Following the article was a little white box with a side-story, which claimed that scientists are able to somehow measure the amount of pain people are experiencing based on neural activity. I could go off on a tangent right now, explaining how experienced pain is actually a combination of physiological, psychological, and cognitive processes, but I’ll spare you. The important thing to realize is that the writers of Reader’s Digest will publish anything that sounds interesting, regardless of its realistic validity.
Supposedly, Reader’s Digest Scientists have “measured” pain in a variety of different conditions, and have come to the conclusion that childbirth is the most painful experience known to human beings. I have a few problems with this conclusion, the first of which deals with the methodology of such research. What exactly are these scientists comparing childbirth to? Did they “measure the amount of pain” in subjects who had just suffered a traumatic injury, such as having a limb hacked off? Most (if not all) people experiencing such an incident would probably not be open to being the subject of a scientific investigation during those moments. Maybe the researchers just asked the standard hospital question of “rate your pain on a scale of 1-10″.
A side story… if you’re ever in the ER after an injury, ALWAYS say that your pain is a 9 or a 10, otherwise they won’t give you enough painkillers. When I broke my upper arm 4 years ago, I told them it was a 7. In retrospect, I really wish my shoulder had been snapped back into place while on a “9″ dose.
Also, that broken arm incident occurred on September 11th. Yes, THE September 11th. Needless to say, I had a pretty hard time feeling sorry for myself. “My arm hurts” didn’t have much efficacy, relatively speaking.
Anyway, back to childbirth. It’s natural. I have a hard time believing childbirth is the most painful experience possible when it carries very minimal psychological torment. In fact, the psychological impacts of childbirth are usually pleasing and exciting. The birth of a child is a pretty joyous occasion. Long story short, there’s nothing “wrong” with a woman going through standard labor. It’s painful, no doubt, and its an experience I’m glad I won’t have to go through, but it sure as hell isn’t the worst thing in the world that can happen to you. Serious injuries are both painful and extremely frightening, which is why those should top the pain list in my opinion. I think the patients at burn centers would agree.
Alright, enough of this. My next blog is going to be about Disney Movies.
Entertainment Weekly March 12, 2007
Posted by Bobby in life.4 comments
This past weekend was eventful to say the least. The following is a time chronicle (which is a slightly more masculine way of saying “diary”) of the events which took place between 3/8-3/11
Bright Eyes
Conor Oberst is a freak. Plain and simple. I had extremely high expectations going into this show. A douchebag scalper tried to buy one of my tickets off of me for $20. Keep in mind that I payed closer to $40 for it. After refusing to sell, I proceeded to the entry corridor to be frisked. My friend had to empty the Teddy Grams and Cheetos out of her purse before going in. The theater staff apparently doesn’t like the idea of outside food being brought in. Based on what some people did manage to bring in (drugs), I would say that Security really needs to get their priorities straight.
Scary people go to Bright Eyes concerts… the kind of people you LOVE to see in public but wouldn’t even think about being friends with. Maybe that’s why they’re emo. No friends.
The members of the opener don’t have any friends, either, because they sucked. Highlights included a song entitled “Heart” (clever!) and another one which contained the lines “you crush my feelings with your feet”. Needless to say, I started stomping after I heard this line. Then a lame group called Vetiver started playing a bunch of country songs that all sounded the same. Luckily, Skyler had a pretty intense version of Asteroids on her cell phone (which has a cracked screen, btw. I notice these things). Bobby now holds the high score, which will never be broken since nobody will ever be bored enough to play that game again.
Bright Eyes themselves were decent, but by the time they came on we had already been standing around for about 3 1/2 hours. Conor also chose to take about 5 minutes in between songs, which added to the gloominess since nobody knew any of the songs he was playing anyway. Here are a few examples of Conor Oberst’s ridiculousness:
“So yeahhh, how many of you were here last night?”
(a few people applaud)
“Whoaah that’s awesome guys. So yeahhh, how many of you are here tonight?”
(a lot of people applaud)
“Whoaaah so like yeahh, there’s more people here tonight than there were last night. Sweet.”
We ran into a high-speed chase on the way home from the concert. Some guy in a Porsche sped by, being chased by police cars and helicopters. Cool, but inconvenient. The 5 freeway had to be shut down, adding to travel time significantly.
Eventually I made it home, however. I slept and did NOTHING on Friday! Actually I went to a Ducks game that evening, but those are almost routine nowadays.
Red and Gold
This was the first year that I’ve felt terribly uncomfortable while watching this performance. I think it’s quite simply due to the fact that I’m getting older and am starting to understand what it probably feels like to be a parent. Honestly, I thought it was really awkward and kinda depressing to see 14 year olds in slutty costumes singing and dancing to songs which include the lyrics “If you’re coming my way, I’m gonna ride it all night long” and “if you put it in me, then I’ll put it in you”. Ugh. There’s just something strange about knowing that there are people younger than you who are less innocent than you.
Luckily Red and Gold isn’t all about glitzy dances and drills. Focusing on the drama and storyline was much easier and less angst-inducing. Solid performance by all, but Gold deserved the win. Kudos.
Collateral
After Red and Gold, my friend and I decided to watch a movie where a lot of people get shot by Tom Cruise. We figured that watching a badass movie would lessen the awkward feelings which accompanied Red and Gold. It came close, but didn’t quite cut it. This is the only movie that has EVER made me want to Be Tom Cruise though.
“You mother carried you in her womb for nine months! If you can buy flowers, buy flowers!”
-best line ever
“You killed that guy! I thought you said we were just going to meet some friends”
“Well they were somebody’s friends”
-2nd best line ever
300!!!!
Since Collateral didn’t cut it, we figured we should go see the most gory, ridiculous movie that has ever been created. SPARTA!!!!
Since UCI has stupid freshmen who decide to go to Disneyland and Golden Spoon on the way to the theater, we went to an earlier show without the rest of the group. I’m getting kinda tired, so I won’t go into as much detail about the movie as I had originally intended to do so. Basically a lot of people die, a lot of strange women go topless, the Queen whores herself out to a guy who whispers in her ear “this will not be short (I’m assuming he meant the time), this will not be pleasant, but I will enjoy it!” Ummm yeah and basically 300 Spartans eventually lose to the queer-looking Persian King Xerxes.
“Our arrows shall come upon you so massively that they shall block the sun”
“Then we shall fight in the shade!!!!”
-3rd best line ever
Also, this movie will make you want to roam around a field of almost-dead people, spearing whoever moves. Badass.
Well after that ended at about 2, I drove home and accidentally fell asleep before I could turn off my computer and the lights in my room. Unfortunately I have to go back to crazy UCSB tomorrow. Luckily I have spring break in about a week. I think I’m one of the only people who isn’t going to Cabo, lol.
All in the Details February 13, 2007
Posted by Bobby in irony, life, times i decided to be serious.add a comment
Sometimes I have trouble focusing on the big picture. I think I’ve gotten better at it lately, though. Minutia usually doesn’t bother me anymore. That said, a lot of times I believe that subtleties can totally change the way we perceive many actions and events. I pay attention to tone, initation, connotations, etc… probably a lot more than I should. Some people think I have OCD.
Perfection is a good thing to strive for, in my opinion. Whether or not it’s achievable is certainly debatable, since life wouldn’t really exist if we had all the answers to all the problems. Math wouldn’t exist either. I don’t see how anyone can enjoy math, since the entire subject centers around problems. “Solve these 30 problems for homework.” No thanks.
Anyway, I think its good to attempt to get as close to perfection as we possibly can.
Sometimes seemingly trivial gestures can turn an entire day around. A smile, a conversation, a phone call, even a lame/awkward hug (you need 8 per day in order to survive) helps. People with OCD probably notice and are affected by these things more so than others.
On my walk to the Subway in Isla Vista, I spotted the pirate. He’s one of the homeless people who roam the streets, easily identifiable by his eye patch and pirate-like demeanor. He’s actually a nice guy, though. There was another guy (who is ALWAYS angry) sitting next to him with a sign asking for spare change, which said “anything helps.” I see both these guys often, but this time they’re arguing. I usually don’t like giving straight-up-cash to bums on the street, so I just walked by as usual.
After I bought my sandwich, I ended up with a few quarters and dimes in change. As I walked back out to the street, I saw that the pirate was gone and the sign-man was still there. I figured the spare change would mean more to him than it does to me, so I decided to give him the money. I started walking towards him and commited the big no-no… I made eye contact. Suddenly everything felt personal. The ragged sign, sloppy handwriting, mud-stained clothes, and K-Mart crate he used for a seat suddenly all jumped out in vivid detail. I spot a bottle of vodka behind the crate and start second-guessing my decision. I’d rather help out the pirate.
Somehow, I nodded and dropped the change in the cup simultaneously. Then I started walking away. Suddenly, a few curse words grabbed my attnetion, and I saw change rolling down the street. Looking back, I saw the homeless man flipping me off and flinging the last quarter towards a passing car. Since I take everything personally, I felt pretty bad for a few seconds. Then it hit me. I chuckled, and started walking back towards my dorm.
Maybe the small things we do don’t make a difference, after all.
