Genesis 1:2:2 (crisscross) May 23, 2007
Posted by Bobby in heroism, hockey, religion.add a comment
In the beginning Jean-Sébastien Giguère created the heavens and the Earth. The Earth was without form and void, and darkness was upon the face of the goal crease; and the blathering of the commentators was moving over the face of the rink.
And Giguère said, “Let there be a game”; and there was a game. And Giguère saw that the game was good; and Giguère separated the good seats from the bad. Giguère called the good seats good, and the bad seats he called the nosebleeds. And there were hot dogs and there was beer.
And Giguère said, “Let there be a windowed room for the special people.” And Giguère made such a room and called it the luxury suite. And it was so.
And Giguère said, “Let the players be gathered together into one place, and let them begin their plays.” And it was so. Giguère called it a face-off, and it was good. And Giguère said, “Let the defense block the forecheckers while I pass the puck to Ryan Getzlaf. And it was so. The defense blocked the forecheckers while Giguère shot a long pass to Ryan Getzlaf. And Giguère saw that it was good. And there was neutral zone possession.
And Giguère did lead the Ducks through the game by blocking shots. And a Ducks goal was scored. And it was good.
And it came to pass that an army of red marched over the horizon, and they were terrible to behold. They challenged the hegemony of Giguère twice, and both times did they show no fear. Their numbers were many and their strength was mighty.
And twice Giguère said, “Screw you fuckers, I’m going to beat you in a really horrendously agonizing way now. Why can’t you roll over and die?”
And Giguère said “Hey, isn’t that sentimental?”
And twice Giguère defeated the army of red in a really horrendously agonizing way and ripped its heart from its body, which he then wore like a hat and started a brief fashion trend. And the army of red retreated to its stronghold with its octopus between its legs, its glory removed.
And after the second victory Giguère said “This work is not complete.”
And Jean-Sébastien Giguère rode off to the Stanley Cup Finals a hero unlike any before or since.
NHL Playoffs News/Views May 14, 2007
Posted by Bobby in hockey, news/views.add a comment
News: Ted Saskin fired as NHLPA executive director. Story.
Views: Nobody will be sad to see him leave. He should have been gone much earlier, however, and I’m not thrilled about the timing/reason he’s finally getting the boot. The days of unionization are far behind us. Strikes and lockouts provide “benefits” for workers at the expense of other workers. In the end, workers end up losing far more than they gain, as a result of earning no income during the strike period. Albertsons lockouts are also terribly inconvenient for patrons who need to go grocery shopping, and NHL lockouts are terribly inconvenient for hockey fans and players who need a real sport (i.e. not NBA basketball or NFL football) to watch and play. So to Gary Bettman, Bob Goodenow, and Ted Saskin: Thanks for destroying a perfectly good season of hockey back in 2004. You should have been fired back then, not now after reports of your illegal viewing of players’ e-mails.
News: Ottawa Takes 2-0 series lead over the Sabres.Story.
Views: Buffalo is overrated. In fact, the entire Eastern Conference is extremely overrated. Now that Marty and the Devils are hitting the links, the goaltending gap has widened even further. Pretty sad considering that 7 of the 8 Western Conference goaltenders who started the playoffs are better than the East’s #2 guy.
East Coast Hockey’s long-lived claim to superiority laid in the general belief that the East Coast style was more physical, tactical, and aggressive than the hockey played on the west coast. Now that the NHL schedule has been horribly edited by Gary Bettman, Inc. to a format where teams only play eight West-East games per year, the two conferences have clearly developed two different styles of play. The difference is much more defined than it was in previous years. The east coast game is slow, methodical, incorporates more coaching strategies, traps players who aren’t named Crosby or Ovechkin in a restrictive playing system, and produces high-scoring contests due to a lack of defensive depth and sub-par goaltending. The west coast game is fast, physical, exciting, free-flowing, balanced, allows for player creativity, and produces exciting close contests since goals need to be earned due to the high skill of goaltenders in the conference. In addition, the scoring is more spread out among players in the West since the game is played with a team concept instead of a NBA-esque build-your-franchise-around-a-superstar complex.
The Buffalo Sabres are probably the one exception to this rule on the east coast, but their weaknesses are currently being put on display. They breezed through the regular season and thus don’t play with much of an “edge.” Ottawa is rolling all over them right now, and the Sabres lack the confidence and tenacity needed to overcome setbacks. Look for a series sweep. Not joking.
News: Ducks even series with Red Wings. Story
Views: YES!!!
News: Ducks LW Kunitz Expected To Miss Remainder of Playoffs. Story
Views: FUCK
Other Observations:
- Mike Emrick is a terrible play-by-play announcer. It sounds like I’m listening to one of my professors narrate a hockey game every time I hear this guy. Ironically, Emrick has a PhD and goes by the nickname “Doc,” so maybe he’ll be teaching a communications class at UCSB next year?
- Brett Hull was disliked as a player, but he’s even worse as a person. During NBC’s coverage of the 2nd round, Hull was constantly antagonizing Bill Clement during the intermission and postgame segments. It was just blatant rottenness. At least Jeremy Roenick is funny when he’s being a douche.
- I’m watching the Buffalo-Ottawa game right now, and it looks like my sweep theory is about to be one step closer to coming true. Also, if Emrick uses the phrase “shake-and-bake” one more time, the Versus Network is getting spammed e-mails tonight.
- Ducks vs. Wings Game 3 is tomorrow. Go Ducks.
Fin.
Gary Bettman Nominates Himself April 9, 2007
Posted by Bobby in fake news, hockey.add a comment
The Bill Masterson Memorial Trophy is an annual award under the trusteeship of the Professional Hockey Writers’ Association and is given to the National Hockey League player who best exemplifies the qualities of perseverance, sportsmanship, and dedication to hockey. The winner is selected in a poll of all chapters of the PHWA at the end of the regular season. A grant from the PHWA is awarded annually to the Bill Masterton Scholarship Fund, based in Bloomington, Minn., in the name of the Masterton Trophy winner.
The trophy was presented by the NHL Writers’ Association in 1968 to commemorate the late William Masterton, a player for the Minnesota North Stars, who exhibited, to a high degree, the qualities of perseverance, sportsmanship and dedication to hockey. Masterton died on Jan. 15, 1968, after an injury sustained during a hockey game.
2006/2007 NOMINEES
GARY BETTMAN
Honestly, who can argue that Gary Bettman hasn’t had a tremendous impact on the NHL. The game would be nothing like it is if it weren’t for this cyborg. Fans would still have to suffer through spirited offensive contests and be lulled to sleep while the league’s star players rack up 200 points
After games started to become boring for the opposite reason (lack of scoring), it was Bettman who pioneered the ingenious idea to severely penalize any physical contact or rough housing between players, in hopes of speeding up the game and making it play in an end-to-end manner without a neutral zone, like basketball. This has been dubbed “The New NHL”. A New NHL game can be recognized by the sound of shitty sports broadcasters announcing that a particular penalty, especially hooking and holding, would not have been called in the Old NHL. This is promptly followed by 12 occurrences of hooking and holding which go largely unnoticed. Also, the winner of every game is now determined by who can avoid shooting the puck over the glass in the final five minutes.
Other amazing contributions which exemplify Bettman’s dedication to hockey include the introduction of: storied new franchises, the Brett Hull Skate Exemption Zone, and the moving of the Northstars franchise to Finland, Texas. It has also been announced that the new goaltender trapezoid will be extended to the area halfway between the blue line and goal line, then consequently renamed the “Jesus What the Fuck Are You Doing All the Way Out Here Hasek Radius“.
TEEMU SELANNE
Selanne began his career in Winnipeg, but quickly asked for a trade to Southern California to avoid the media storm in Manitoba. He is from Finland, but is not a checking-line forward yet. Selanne is well known for being one of the classiest, most committed players in the game and is hence second in the running for the Masterson Trophy.
It should be noted that he once crashed a car while speeding much like Danny Heatley, but did not kill Paul Kariya in the process and has another hundred or so cars that he can crash.
For further information on Teemu Selanne, see: People Who Sound Like Kermit the Frog
SEAN AVERY
Has showed impressive fortitude while standing up for the Anglo Minority against an oppressive French Majority. Can oft be seen mimicking a turtle when in a fight, as a sign of protest to the violence and havoc that hockey fights cause (fights have caused much more injury and damage than have other events).
Avery is often seen with strange objects in his mouth. He has also fought the notion that all physical players are clueless meatheads. He does this by wearing a humongous black mouthpiece in order to illustrate his intelligent concern for his safety.
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All three of these candidates deserve the recognition, but ultimately Bettman will win the honor, since he’s pretty much in charge. So here’s to another NHL regular season in the books. Up next: 2007 Stanley Cup Playoffs, which includes Marty Turco’s return to human form.
