Werder Bremen vs. Bayern Munich Game-Day Thread August 19, 2007
Posted by Bobby in Bundesliga, football, soccer, sports.10 comments
I haven’t written anything on this blasted site in a while since I’ve suddenly lost my already limited amount of creativity. So instead of doing anything that requires effort, I’m just going to do what I do best… watch soccer games. I was planning on doing this for the Chelsea v Liverpool game, but I was too into it. I really don’t care about this next game very much.
Sorry to any Germans out there who feel insulted. I’m actually German by heritage, but I’m also smart enough to know that the Bundesliga is plagued by mediocrity and the brightest, ugliest freaking uniforms that have ever graced the Earth. As an apology to my brothers in blood: FC Bayern München! Die Katze is auf einem Flugzeug!
This game is on GolTV instead of Fox Soccer Channel, which means there’s no chance of Max Bretos going “yyyyeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeehhhhhhss!” or “can he weeeeeeeeave his way into the 18?!?” Last time I watched a game on GolTV (….USA’s run in the Copa America lollll), the color commentator was a Scotsman who could barely get his words out. Every sentence was passionate, but it sounded like he was struggling to get every breath out without passing out. I really hope he was assigned this game so that it’s slightly entertaining.
Of course, there’s always the chance that someone will make a Bundestackle that snaps another guy’s leg in half. Stay tuned.
Before Kickoff: “This match is between two beautiful bridesmaids from last season.”
Shortly After That Statement: “Oliver Kahn will be starting in goal.”
-Both commentators seem to be free of speech impediments
-They just showed a crowd shot where a drunk man continually waved a flag right in the face of a young girl.
1m: Ireland versus Norfolk Island. Bright Green versus Bright Red
1m: first view of Kahn looking homicidal.
2m: “Klose working with Luca Toni.” Do we need to be worried about Germans cooperating with Italians?
2m: Dr. Markus Merk, “the best Germany has to offer” gave Naldo a yellow card for a late tackle on Klose. You better not be making any dirty fouls in front of Dr. M.
3m: Does Germany offer an advanced doctorate degree in officiating soccer games? Or is this guy retired at age 30?
4m: Nice shot by a Munich player wearing bright-yellow boots to go with the passion-red kit. Forced the keeper to dive right.
5m: Jensen of Bremen follows it up with a Landon Donovan style shot which quickly rolls right past 3 defenders… and misses the target to the left by about 20 feet.
7m: The Doctor should have booked a Munich midfielder for a retaliatory challenge on Diego, but instead he only calls a foul and FLIPS OFF the Munich players who ask for a booking. Really wish that would have happened to Cristiano Ronaldo in last year’s WC.
10m: Sanogo just had a great opportunity when he received a pass that was threaded past two Bayern defenders. Instead he shoots it right into Kahn’s massive 70-year-old chest. First “should have done better” of the match.
11m: The manager of Bremen wears a black jersey that says “COACH” in huge white letters across the front. After Sanogo’s miss, he puts both his fingers on either side of his nose. He’s either making fun of Kahn’s facial features, or signaling for one of his players to “accidentally” elbow Sanogo in the face next time he has a bad touch.
14m: Kahn is wearing a baseball cap (maybe it’s a cricket cap) and looks like a badass.
15m: Toni was well clear of the defenders, but clearly offsides. The Doc again does not take kindly to protests. Doc defends his linesmen oops I mean assistant referees.
16m: Toni commits offensive rape and is whistled down before he can take an open shot.
18m: Kahn shanks a Bremen striker going after a ball in the air, but the foul is called on Bremen since Kahn is really old.
21m: There are a whole bunch of advertising boards for “Jack Wolfskin.” PETA would be all over them if they produce what I think they produce…
23m: Another corner gets punched away by one of the keepers; maybe try an out-swinger? One of the goals today will be scored when one of the keepers comes way off his line.
24m: Bayern has had 63% of the possession, but the color commentator could not fight the urge to say “This match has clearly been controlled by Bremen so far.”
25m: An out-swinger! Kahn stays on his line this time, but a foul is called on Bremen in the box. Also, remember during WC06 when Dave O’Brien would say “The Out-Swinger! Into the mixer!” on every single corner, regardless of what type of cross it was?
27m: A bad pass goes into touch (stop saying “out of bounds” GolTv), and the commentator calls the pass “brilliant.” He then makes the argument that the player would have been clear had he been able to cover 30 feet in less than a second and receive the pass on the run.
29m: Dr. Zhivago calls a penalty after Luca Toni fucks up a play. He got tackled hard well after the play was dead, but the penalty was called anyway.
30m: The keeper guesses correctly, but was somehow unable to stop whoever it was that took the shot. The commentators refer to the goal-scorer as “the straw who stirs the drink” and are already calling the defensive mistake “fatal”. Forget thet there’s 60 minutes remaining.
32m: Nobody except Bayern seems to be pleased with the way Dr. No is calling this game. The commentators, Bremenites, and newscasters are all critical of his calls so far.
37m: “The ball trickled off the table” is the newest way to say “into touch”
38m: Bayern player gets booked for “hitting a player with his stick.” Yellow card.
40m: The entire stadium just erupted into laughter after a P.A. announcement. I desperately want to know what was said.
43m: Professional Fouls in the Bundesliga consist of knocking a player flat on his back in frustration after not having the pace to keep up with a through ball. The fouler helps the foulee up right away.
44m: Free kick from 30 meters out goes straight into the nads of a poor fellow on the wall. Gotta keep the hand down when you jump, son.
45m: “Dr. Merk has reached his limit.” It really does not take much to piss this guy off…
Halftime: I really don’t know this league, these teams, or these players very well at all, so I don’t really have anything to say. 1-0 Munich going into the second half.
-Bowflex has a commerical with a new motto: “size matters.” This is promptly followed by a Viagra commercial with a warning to “avoid taking Viagra if you’re not healthy enough for sex.” Apparently they did away with saying “sexual activity.”
-Another GolTV ad with my favorite Scottish commentator. After a spectacular finish by a Real Madrid player, he proclaims “WHAT A WONDERFUL GOAL THAT SENDS THIS CROWD INTO ORGASM!”, making this the 3rd sexual ad in a row.
47m: Say “Werder Bremen goal kick” really fast.
50m: Luca Toni receives a cross and scores, but he made it much more difficult than it needed to be. The only reason he needed to score a “Golazo” instead of a simple tap-in is because he lost control of the ball about 4 times before he was able to get the shot away. 2-0 Bayern.
53m: The showed a shot of the Bremen bench, and they looked absolutely devastated- like little kids who just discovered their dog was put to sleep.
55m: Kahn just threw the ball all the way from inside the 18, to about 5 feet short of the halfway line.
56m: It appears that Kahn’s shoulder is still attached to his body.
57m: Dr. Strangelove waves play-on after a hard tackle in the box. If that wasn’t a penalty, it should have been a yellow card to the Bayern player for diving.
59m: Hockey fans: does anyone else think that Oliver Kahn looks a LOT like Chris Pronger?
61m: Kevin Schindler is coming into the game. He’s making a list, and checking it twice.
62m: Even the Germans use traditional English hymns for their chants.
64m: An ad for “Wodka”. I’m assuming it’s vodka?
66m: Schindler has been on the pitch for 2 minutes, and he’s already fouled Lucio 3 times.
69m: Schindler gets mugged from behind by Lucio. Blitzkrieg always comes back to bite.
69m: Schindler attempts a cross, which gets blocked right into his face. Tough game for Oscar.
70m: Bremen’s entire strategy: Give the ball to Diego. Watch. Repeat.
71m: The German version of the “Ole Ole Ole” chant includes an extra note in D Minor.
72m: Dr. Quinn gets in the face of a Bremen player who was stubbornly inching within 10 meters of the ball during a free kick.
74m: Sanogo trips a guy from behind but somehow escapes Dr. Kevorkian’s book.
75m: Diego fires a shot from 30 meters out into the upper terrace. If this was Fifa 2003, John Motson would’ve said “Be serious, you’re never gonna score from there,” in a condescending tone.
79m: I’m going to butcher the spelling on this name, but Altentop (?) just scored goal number 3 for Bayern. This was the second time in a row that three Bayern forwards were going against one Bremen defender and the keeper. Nice work, greenshirts.
81m: Bremen has been slow this entire game. Their defenders can’t seem to match the speed of Bayern. Pretty sad considering that the Bundesliga isn’t known for its pace.
83m: They haven’t been announcing or showing stats at all, but I’ve only counted one shot on target for Bremen so far.
85m: An amazing save on Lucio by the Bremen keeper. Too bad he couldn’t come up with three more of those
86m: Bayern players are starting to manage the clock in the age-old manner: pointing and waving their teammates into perfect positions on goal kicks, throw-ins, and corners.
87m: 4-0 Bayern Munich. Crazy goal off a throw-in. The ball was shot from about 28 meters out, right into the top right corner. Guess the pointing has a purpose, after all.
89m: Commentators defend Bremen by saying “They were totally in this game until the penalty.” I agree, they did an amazing job of staying in the game for 28 minutes 
90m: NO STOPPAGE TIME thank you very much
Alright that was painful to watch. I’m signing off without any further remarks. Enjoy your lives.
The Real Reason Why Beckham Won’t Help U.S. Soccer July 18, 2007
Posted by Bobby in David Beckham, football, soccer, sports, times i decided to be serious.5 comments
By now, everyone who owns a TV or reads a newspaper is well aware that David Beckham will be playing for the L.A. Galaxy in the MLS. In addition to this, everyone is also well aware that Beckham will do nothing to make soccer more popular here in the States. My question is this: Who decided that this is the case?
Most of our wonderful sportswriters here in America will try to make the claim that the American sports fans have made this decision. After all, every one of us would much rather watch tall, overpaid males throw a basketball through a hoop 80 times, none of which are meaningful until the last two minutes of the game. Slam dunks never get old, either, and we’re all perfectly content to see dunks constitute 8 of the 10 top plays on Sportscenter.
Sure, anyone could use numbers alone to make the case that there aren’t very many soccer fans in the United States. It’s still behind basketball, baseball, and American football. For some reason, sportswriters believe that a sport cannot survive in the United States if it operates in a niche market. While this may be true (or may not be), sportswriters have been reluctant to even give soccer a chance.
There are plenty of Americans out there who have a genuine interest in soccer. Many more have a genuine interest in David Beckham, for a number of different reasons : ). Sportswriters just lovvvve to downplay this fact and make the claim that nobody cares, nobody understands. Have the writers ever once considered that they themselves may be the reason that Beckham won’t have any impact?
Every single article I’ve read so far on Beckham is just another diatribe on the million reasons why he won’t do anything to increase American soccer’s popularity. Countless numbers of Americans read these articles and are immediately subjected to an extremely negative perception of soccer. These readers are then forever ingrained with a subliminal message: that as Americans, they must be uninterested in soccer, since “everyone else” is. If an American is repeatedly exposed to the idea that American sports fans hate soccer, he or she may instinctively decide that soccer isn’t a sport worth having any interest in. Automatically claiming disinterest in a sport without exploring it or giving it a chance is no way to make a decision. Unfortunately, sportswriters around the nation are causing countless numbers of individuals to do just that.
Yesterday, watching Chelsea win 1-0 was far more exciting than watching Tigres win 3-0, so forget about the whole lack-of-scoring argument. What the MLS needs is talent, and a lot of it. Buying 50-60 mediocre European players would help a lot more than snagging Beckham alone, but maybe Becks could be the start of something new if we all just give him a chance.
The point is this: if sportswriters and anchors continue to approach soccer with such a negative attitude, the sport has no chance at all of growing into something larger. The problem is not disinterest within the American public. There is a growing interest in the youth community, and a sizable contingent of my generation seems to be more interested in soccer than all the baby-boomers who control the media. The base is there, the talent is growing, and the interest is bobbing at the surface.
So to all the sportswriters out there: congratulations. You’re the biggest threat to soccer’s chances of gaining popularity in the United States. Keep demonizing the sport and everything it stands for, and it’ll be gone from here in no time- just like you all want it to be.
Dear United States Soccer Federation June 9, 2007
Posted by Bobby in football, soccer, times i decided to be serious.13 comments
A year ago you almost ruined my life. I eagerly anticipated World Cup 2006 for over four years, only to witness a horrid performance of epic proportions. To make matters worse, I was on a cruise during the group stages. The international crew actually cared about soccer and thus had no problem mocking me every time I passed by donning my ‘02 Jeff Agoos jersey.
In addition, there were at least 300 billion Brazillians on said cruise, most of them bandwagoners. I cringe every time I see a Ronaldinho jersey, mainly because he looks like an alien, but also because I have an intense disliking of all Brazillian soccer “fans” who aren’t from Brazil. Almost all of them laughed at me and my jersey. Tear, tear.
After witnessing the Czech game at my house and nearly breaking my dad’s new plasma TV in reaction, I watched the Italy “game” in a hotel room in Houston, Texas. It was then that I was introduced to a new version of the offsides rule, wherein a player may be flagged as being offsides even if said player does not make contact with the ball. To this date, I have not seen this stipulation of the rule enforced in any match since US-Italy in World Cup 2006, and I watch a lot of footie.
I was lucky enough to witness the Ghana contest in the sports bar of the Carnival Conquest. In the aftermath of the disaster I felt like taking advantage of my 18-instead-of-21-while-at-sea privileges, but my dad was there with me, and I hate alcohol anyway. Jittery fans wearing Mexico jerseys were extremely pleased to see the US fail to advance. Luckily I was able to taunt them a few days later. Viva Argentina.
My other favorite team didn’t fare very well, either, thanks to a timely knee injury to Michael Owen. David Beckham’s vomit trails weren’t a great sight to behold. I also found it very odd that his teammates signaled for a substitution the minute Becks hit the pitch; not a great way to support your captain, mates. Nonetheless, David has recently made a point to the almighty Steve McClaren that his services are integral to England’s success.
Back to the Yanks now. The team is soft as a Serta mattress, and they need to start playing matches outside of the Northeast. Foxboro, Massachusetts is OFF LIMITS from now on, alright? Stop playing there, play Mexico at the Rose Bowl in front of 100,000 hostile Hispanics. That’ll get the team used to large crowds and pressure situations, which in the long run will lead to success in the World Cup.
1-0 wins over Guatemala aren’t gonna do it anymore. Defeating a team led by the high-pitched screams of Carlos Ruiz proves absolutely nothing on the world stage. Over the next three years, the US team had better roll over all CONCACAF competition, including Mexico- who are by far the world’s most overrated team. It will be a great day when the national team horrifies millions of nativists with a win at Azteca.
Win the Gold Cup, perform well at Copa America, and please, please, please produce at the international level with the same dominance that we’ve seen at the youth level. Some of us actually care.
Division One and a Half May 16, 2007
Posted by Bobby in English Premier League, fake news, football, soccer.add a comment
Well, it’s the middle of May right now. Some facts about this time of year:
1) Summer is imminent
2) All colleges except UCSB are already on break
3) Another horse will either fail to win the Triple Crown or die in the process
4) The Detroit Red Wings have suffered another disappointing first-round-exit in the Stanley Cup Playoffs
5) Sunderland is either moving up to the Premiership or down to the Championship.
After Glory! Glory! decided it would be fun to lose to West Ham and piss off a bunch of Sheffield fans, I decided to perform my annual ritual of looking at the Championship tables for the first time all year. The first thing I noticed was that Leeds finished 24th and have thus successfully gone from being a top-class Premier club to relegation to English football’s 3rd level of competition. Props. Not surprisingly, Sunderland topped the table and will thus be back next year, again.
Guess who else is back? That’s right, Birmingham City. No surprise here either. Norwich and Sheffield will be back after next season, too. Charlton will probably pull a Leeds.
To combat this frequent movement back and forth by perennially mediocre clubs, The Football League has announced that they will introduce Division One and a Half^, located between the Premiership and Championship, to contain the teams who are too good for the Championship but not quite good enough for the Premiership. Included in this league would be Sunderland, Crystal Palace, Watford, Norwich, West Brom, Wolverhampton, Sheffield, and a few others.
Some of you are probably thinking this is pointless, since the Championship is basically the same thing. This is totally true, but its not the point. After three years of play, the reasoning behind the move will become apparent. Sunderland, Wolves, etc need a home, a true place to call home. Their home certainly isn’t in the Premiership, since in the 2005-06 season Sunderland managed to beat the all-time record for lowest points earned, with 15. The previous recordholders were Sunderland. The Championship doesn’t bode these teams well, either, so this new league would be purely symbolic.
^There is no room for Cristiano Ronaldo in Division One and a Half.
