Division One and a Half May 16, 2007
Posted by Bobby in English Premier League, fake news, football, soccer.add a comment
Well, it’s the middle of May right now. Some facts about this time of year:
1) Summer is imminent
2) All colleges except UCSB are already on break
3) Another horse will either fail to win the Triple Crown or die in the process
4) The Detroit Red Wings have suffered another disappointing first-round-exit in the Stanley Cup Playoffs
5) Sunderland is either moving up to the Premiership or down to the Championship.
After Glory! Glory! decided it would be fun to lose to West Ham and piss off a bunch of Sheffield fans, I decided to perform my annual ritual of looking at the Championship tables for the first time all year. The first thing I noticed was that Leeds finished 24th and have thus successfully gone from being a top-class Premier club to relegation to English football’s 3rd level of competition. Props. Not surprisingly, Sunderland topped the table and will thus be back next year, again.
Guess who else is back? That’s right, Birmingham City. No surprise here either. Norwich and Sheffield will be back after next season, too. Charlton will probably pull a Leeds.
To combat this frequent movement back and forth by perennially mediocre clubs, The Football League has announced that they will introduce Division One and a Half^, located between the Premiership and Championship, to contain the teams who are too good for the Championship but not quite good enough for the Premiership. Included in this league would be Sunderland, Crystal Palace, Watford, Norwich, West Brom, Wolverhampton, Sheffield, and a few others.
Some of you are probably thinking this is pointless, since the Championship is basically the same thing. This is totally true, but its not the point. After three years of play, the reasoning behind the move will become apparent. Sunderland, Wolves, etc need a home, a true place to call home. Their home certainly isn’t in the Premiership, since in the 2005-06 season Sunderland managed to beat the all-time record for lowest points earned, with 15. The previous recordholders were Sunderland. The Championship doesn’t bode these teams well, either, so this new league would be purely symbolic.
^There is no room for Cristiano Ronaldo in Division One and a Half.
Gary Bettman Nominates Himself April 9, 2007
Posted by Bobby in fake news, hockey.add a comment
The Bill Masterson Memorial Trophy is an annual award under the trusteeship of the Professional Hockey Writers’ Association and is given to the National Hockey League player who best exemplifies the qualities of perseverance, sportsmanship, and dedication to hockey. The winner is selected in a poll of all chapters of the PHWA at the end of the regular season. A grant from the PHWA is awarded annually to the Bill Masterton Scholarship Fund, based in Bloomington, Minn., in the name of the Masterton Trophy winner.
The trophy was presented by the NHL Writers’ Association in 1968 to commemorate the late William Masterton, a player for the Minnesota North Stars, who exhibited, to a high degree, the qualities of perseverance, sportsmanship and dedication to hockey. Masterton died on Jan. 15, 1968, after an injury sustained during a hockey game.
2006/2007 NOMINEES
GARY BETTMAN
Honestly, who can argue that Gary Bettman hasn’t had a tremendous impact on the NHL. The game would be nothing like it is if it weren’t for this cyborg. Fans would still have to suffer through spirited offensive contests and be lulled to sleep while the league’s star players rack up 200 points
After games started to become boring for the opposite reason (lack of scoring), it was Bettman who pioneered the ingenious idea to severely penalize any physical contact or rough housing between players, in hopes of speeding up the game and making it play in an end-to-end manner without a neutral zone, like basketball. This has been dubbed “The New NHL”. A New NHL game can be recognized by the sound of shitty sports broadcasters announcing that a particular penalty, especially hooking and holding, would not have been called in the Old NHL. This is promptly followed by 12 occurrences of hooking and holding which go largely unnoticed. Also, the winner of every game is now determined by who can avoid shooting the puck over the glass in the final five minutes.
Other amazing contributions which exemplify Bettman’s dedication to hockey include the introduction of: storied new franchises, the Brett Hull Skate Exemption Zone, and the moving of the Northstars franchise to Finland, Texas. It has also been announced that the new goaltender trapezoid will be extended to the area halfway between the blue line and goal line, then consequently renamed the “Jesus What the Fuck Are You Doing All the Way Out Here Hasek Radius“.
TEEMU SELANNE
Selanne began his career in Winnipeg, but quickly asked for a trade to Southern California to avoid the media storm in Manitoba. He is from Finland, but is not a checking-line forward yet. Selanne is well known for being one of the classiest, most committed players in the game and is hence second in the running for the Masterson Trophy.
It should be noted that he once crashed a car while speeding much like Danny Heatley, but did not kill Paul Kariya in the process and has another hundred or so cars that he can crash.
For further information on Teemu Selanne, see: People Who Sound Like Kermit the Frog
SEAN AVERY
Has showed impressive fortitude while standing up for the Anglo Minority against an oppressive French Majority. Can oft be seen mimicking a turtle when in a fight, as a sign of protest to the violence and havoc that hockey fights cause (fights have caused much more injury and damage than have other events).
Avery is often seen with strange objects in his mouth. He has also fought the notion that all physical players are clueless meatheads. He does this by wearing a humongous black mouthpiece in order to illustrate his intelligent concern for his safety.
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All three of these candidates deserve the recognition, but ultimately Bettman will win the honor, since he’s pretty much in charge. So here’s to another NHL regular season in the books. Up next: 2007 Stanley Cup Playoffs, which includes Marty Turco’s return to human form.
UCs Add a 57th Ethic Studies Major March 25, 2007
Posted by Bobby in college, fake news, posts that poke fun at the UC System.2 comments
After experiencing pressure from nearly all fronts, the Regents of the University of California announced that they will allocate 47.5 million dollars to four campuses in order to lay the foundation for the new Equatorial Guinean Transvestite Studies department. Students expressed joy and relief upon hearing the announcement, even going so far as to announce that there will not be any more anti-war blockages of Route 101 until the year 2009.
“This group has been traditionally oppressed and unrepresented,” said a Law and Society professor from UCSF. “This country needs to realize that every single history book that has been written in the United States is wrong; the content was edited in 1972 by the present members of the Bush Administration.”
Many students have already expressed interest in declaring the new major. Many want a fresh start, many want a change of scenery, some just don’t know what else to do. “I dunno, I haven’t had much success in any of my classes so far,” stated Sun Kim, a third year at UCSB. “I’m pretty bad at Physics. I tried entering Asian-American Studies, but it was basically the same thing.”
Kim’s example illustrates that the course content of these Ethnic Studies majors is in no way biased towards members of the respective minority group. “Many students don’t want to try Chicano Studies or Latin American studies, thinking they’ll need to speak Spanish in order to succeed,” said a guest Professor from the east coast. “Aboriginal Languages and Swahili will in no way be required during the initial study of this ethnic group. Students should not worry about being overwhelmed by Equatorial Guineans in these classes. The ratio of transvestites to non-transvestites will be kept at a reasonable level.”
Many individuals wonder what sorts of careers await graduates with a degree in Ethnic Studies majors. Most go on to become professors. “Frankly, the only reason these departments exist is because the University wants them to,” claimed a Chemistry Professor from San Diego. “The only job you’ll get with a Slavic Studies degree is Professor of Slavic Studies at a UC school. It’s really not that bad a job either. All you have to do is study, travel, be housed and fed by the taxpayers of California, and flunk a whole bunch of hung-over college students. And you can’t get fired.”
Considerable debate is still occurring regarding the selection of Ethnic Studies Major (ESM) #58. Finalists will be announced through the CollegeBoard website sometime between April and July.
