Firlarmaphobia September 27, 2007
Posted by Bobby in college, effective coping strategies, fire alarms, fire drills.1 comment so far
I’m not even joking when I say this: I have a horrible fear of fire alarms. Fire drills are like 10 minutes of hell for me, and I sincerely wish that popcorn was banned from residence halls, since burning popcorn always seems to set off the smoke detectors. All through elementary school, I used to dread the four days of the year that we had fire drills. I even remember pretending to be sick one day during fourth grade, as by that point I had learned that drill #1 always took place on the first Friday of the year.
Even in high school, those alarms continued to scare the crap out of me. It didn’t help that my high school has what is quite possibly the loudest and most startling alarm in existence, with a horn located in every single classroom. I remember during the first week of my freshman year, my English teacher informed us that a drill was about to take place. She told us to sit quietly and wait for the alarm to sound, then to leave the room and head out to the field. Since I didn’t know what the alarm sounded like, I was relatively calm, given that I was sitting in absolute silence awaiting the sound of a device designed to cause one to spring into action during an emergency.
Needless to say, I was scared shitless at the moment that damn horn went off. From that point forward, I was horrified by silence in classrooms, since I knew the alarm was definitely going to sound during those moments. Luckily for me, my school started publishing the fire drill dates ahead of time, so I could at least prepare for the damage instead of being startled and paranoid by its potential. There was definitely one time where I was late to class on purpose though, since I happened to sit right underneath the horn in that particular class.
So… guess what happened today? That’s right, my dormitory had a fire drill. It happened at about 7PM while I was sitting on this very computer downloading some music (don’t tell anyone who works for ResNet about that). Instead of the low-pitched buzzer sound of alarms past, this one is high and shrill. It wasn’t particularly startling, but the alarms in the hallway were so loud that they literally hurt my ears, as in I felt a sharp pain in my inner ear. Fun stuff.
There is an alarm in my room, but it didn’t seem like it was as loud as the ones outside and in the hallway. For me, it’s definitely going to make falling asleep more difficult than it should be. One thing’s for sure, in college those things don’t save your life. The false alarm to real alarm ratio is probably more than 2 million to one (when’s the last time you heard about a college dormitory burning to the ground?). So this is my ode to my greatest fear, and here’s to hoping we don’t have any false alarms this year. Any suggestions, words of encouragement, or criticisms are welcomed.
Anime has Scarred me for Life July 1, 2007
Posted by Bobby in anime, anime expo, effective coping strategies.9 comments
My brother enjoys attending the Anime Expo every year when it comes to Long Beach. Or maybe it just occurs in Long Beach every year… I don’t really know and I didn’t ask. What I did have to do was pick my brother up from the expo yesterday. When I arrived, he “wasn’t finished” (hopefully he wasn’t in the porn area at the time), so I decided to park my car and accompany him for the remainder of his journey. I was a little interested, but I mainly wanted to observe some of these anime fans firsthand.
My wish was granted when I saw four guys dressed as Pikachus walking to their car. I forgot that Pokemon became an anime after it confined kids to their Gameboys for 14 hours a day, spurring on the childhood obesity epidemic. That’s right, the health professionals should blame Pokemon. Maybe if Chansey wasn’t so damn hard to find…
Upon entering the convention center, my wish was then violently thrown in my face. A 30 year old man was dressed as Sailor Moon, complete with the miniskirt. Apparently he shaved his legs in an attempt to appear more feminine, but men’s thighs simply can’t be as smooth as women’s thighs. … .. …. .. ……
Now that I’ve returned from beating myself with a large wooden club for constructing that last sentence, I’ll continue this story if my concussion isn’t serious enough to hamper my writing abilities. It definitely clouded my judgment while cleaning the club, though. I used a white washcloth instead of paper towels. Now it basically looks like a damn maxi pad. …… … .. …. … .
I didn’t know my parents owned a whip, but it definitely came in handy just now. It’s true what they say about the lash, it really can teach you a lesson or two. Still, I can’t help but wonder what exactly my parents use that whip for. ……. . …. … ..
Curling irons really hurt when you turn them on and put them .. ………. … ……. ….. ..
The swelling on my shoulder has subsided, so I can move my prosthetic arm and type one key at a time now. Progress! An anime I saw at the convention, called Paranoia Agent, gave me the idea for my last self-inflicted wound. In the anime, an unidentified Japanese (I assume?) serial killer beats people with a baseball bat. He’s called “Lil slugger”. I suspect that it will end up being Ichiro. Hideki Matsui’s swing wouldn’t cause enough damage to injure anyone, and Ichiro would be able to get away quickly. Plus, the Lil Slugger wears GOLD roller skates…. an obvious allegory to the Gold Glove.
The most hilarious anime, and the only one I will have any interest in watching in the future, is called AzuManga Daioh. I probably spelled it wrong, but it really looks more like this: “#^##$*^” when spelled out with the proper characters. It’s basically the story of strange girls at a prep school. The story of two of the teachers gets thrown into the mix, too. Essentially, there’s a huge power war going on, as the P.E. teacher always feels inferior to her friend the English teacher, who probably isn’t an English teacher but is in fact a Japanese teacher since the whole thing takes place in Japan. Now that I think about it, it’s a little strange that we refer to grammar, writing, and literature as the collective noun “English”. I highly doubt that they refer to the same thing as “Japanese (##**&^)” in Japan, because they usually apply common sense and forethought to their naming processes.
Sooo, I’ve decided that I definitely do not need to attend another anime expo in my lifetime. I haven’t spoken to my brother since he inexplicably decided that I needed to know that girls constitute the primary fanbase for gay anime porn since “they think it’s cute”. After he said that, I looked him straight in the eye and said “I don’t know you”, then walked to my car and drove home. He tagged close behind though, so he was able to sneak in the backseat before I drove off.
Also, supposedly this gay anime porn is called “Yaoi”, which is pronounced “yow-ee”, another example of how the Japanese use forethought in their nomenclature.
Alright, I think the stove has heated up enough now. Three more self-mutilations should be enough to constitute a clean purge. Don’t worry about me though. I don’t have a problem, I can stop this whenever I want.
Stay Happy: Avoid Drama May 25, 2007
Posted by Bobby in effective coping strategies, humor, life, social life.add a comment
Every time a relationship struggles because of drama, there is a simple solution to the problem. Destroy the person responsible, since it’s obviously never your fault! Bring it!
When that isn’t possible, another course of action has always worked for me. Even problems that are totally on me suddenly disappear when this tactic is used. This is not a miracle or an advertising scam. Just a suggestion.
Do not, by any means, argue on the telephone. Someone will hang up in anger eventually, and the tactics I’m about to describe require physical body presence. By now it should be apparent that AIM and texting are off-limits as well.
Hopefully the good-for-nothing scumbag who is unjustly ruining your life will barge into your room and start barking obscenities at you. If not, invite said scumbag over to “discuss” the issues. Remember, communication is key to a successful relationship!!! 
Invite the individual in, and sit at a desk near your bed. Start fiddling around on the computer. The best course of action is to log onto Wikipedia. Continually click on “random article” and read these articles to your drama buddy. To really break the ice and get the conversation going, try this article.
After no more than 3 minutes of arguing and Wikipedia browsing (you undoubtedly learned something new during the process as well. Way to go!), interrupt and say to your friend “Hey, you know what? I think I’m just gonna go pass out for a little bit.”
This will undoubtedly leave the drama queen/king dead in their tracks; shocked, so to speak. Climb into your bed and pull the covers over your head. When they ask what in the hell you think you’re doing, simply respond “I’m just gonna take a little nap, no big deal. You can keep yelling at me if you’d like. I can rest through noise. I might not even fall asleep.”
At first, you’ll probably be drilled with insults relating to immaturity and indolence. Just take cover during this initial volley. The enemy will need to reload eventually. However, be wise; do not attack. They shall grow weary to your impregnable (not able to be impregnated?) defenses and will eventually speak these words: “Alright, I guess we’ll just need to talk about this some other time.”
Two weeks of silence will pass, then everything will be good as new!
Empowered with this knowledge, go out and conquer the world.
I shall now depart to go watch the Stars Wars marathon.
Why You Shouldn’t Blog About Personal Problems May 25, 2007
Posted by Bobby in effective coping strategies, life, times i decided to be serious.1 comment so far
DISCLAIMER: The entry below is indeed hypocritical!
I know it sounds a little strange to be saying this on a journal-based social networking site… but I need to find an effective form of self-expression. Everyone reading right now is thinking “wow dumbass, write whatever you want on here and reveal all your emo thoughts to the world,” but that really isn’t the point. If I want to talk about all my issues and receive direct personal therapy, I’ll just talk to my friends. What I’m looking for is a way to blow off steam without involving anyone else, because even I get annoyed when people come to me with the same unsolvable problem over and over and over again. I try my best to avoid doing the same to others.
One of the reasons I enjoy music so much is that it allows for personal interpretation. Almost all music reflects the beliefs and feelings of the composer, but material that is well-written/composed also allows for the listener to fill in details and perspectives of their own life, thus making it possible for one to “relate to” specific songs, artists, etc. My favorite artists are ones whose music I can relate to, though I rarely agree with the lifestyles and personal choices made by those in the music scene. I like to keep it clean.
I’ve tried to write my own material before, but I’m never satisfied with it. I can play both guitar and piano very well, and I would say I have a good ear, but the whole songwriting thing has never really clicked. I have trouble combining the styles of the artists who influence me to create my own niche. Plus, I really don’t think I can write anything better than the stuff I’ve heard already.
So… I think I should find something else. I have no idea what, though. In one of my psych classes I’ve been studying experiments regarding the benefits of expressive writing. Journaling has never really done the trick for me. Posting whiny blogs like this one are never really any fun, either. I feel much more satisfied after posting something witty and clever than after posting one of these. I think this is serious post #3. Not bad.
Another reason why I try to avoid throwing diary entries online for the world to see is because I’m never dealing with anything all that serious. Yeah, I have some problems and concerns, but who doesn’t? The 4-5 biggest things that induce emo-ness in Bobby are problems that everyone has, just in different contexts. Plus, I always feel better in about three days. On Sunday I will look at this and start laughing hysterically.
To close this out, I’m gonna tag this entry as “effective coping strategies” and encourage everyone out there to express themselves, but I’m also going to beg everyone to do it privately, because every time you annoy someone with an emo rant, a kitten dies.
To the four kittens who have passed from this earth during the writing of this entry, rest in peace. May your afterlives be filled with Friskies, catnip, and fresh furniture.
~Keep it real, mah readers.
How UCSB Has Helped me Cope with Solicitors May 7, 2007
Posted by Bobby in anti-soliciting, college, effective coping strategies, life, posts that poke fun at the UC System, ways to make bobby sad.2 comments
Tuesday May 1, 2007
The Arbor
“Hey kid, have you heard about the student strike against war next week?!?”
“(me) mhmmmm…”
“Well, are you gonna go???!?”
“NOPE, I’m going to class, and after that I’m gonna go to work”
“Why?!? That’s business as usual!”
“I know”
“Well the strike is all about stopping business as usual! The war in Iraq is business as usual now and we’re doing this to start opening people’s eyes so that we can end the war right now! Justice will be ser…”
“Okay okay stop right there. Think about what you’re saying. Do you seriously think there are people out there who aren’t aware that there’s a war going on? I support the war and yeah, even I’m a little tired of it. Everyone’s tired of it. There hasn’t been a single significant war in human history that anyone’s breezed right through without setbacks. That doesn’t mean we should just end it immediately and lose everything we’ve accomplished so far. Plus, you’re protesting in effing Santa Barbara, the most liberal city not called San Francisco. PLUS you’re protesting on a college campus….. what exactly is this whole thing accomplishing?”
“Why do you support the war?!?”
“Leave me alone. I’m gonna continue walking to Subway now.”
Wednesday May 2nd, 2007
The Arbor
“Hey have you pledge KALPUR?”
“Nope.” (I continue walking)
“WAIT, DON’T YOU WANNA HEAR WHAT IT IS?”
“Not really, I probably don’t care”
“It’s a fund to help protect the environment and…”
“Yeah I don’t care. See ya.”
Later….
“Separate the church and state”
“No thanks”
“Why not?”
“Why?”
“Well why not?”
“Do they pay you to stand out here and bug people who just want to quietly walk to lunch undisturbed”
“No I’m a volunteer”
“Good for you”
Thursday May 10th, 2007
The UCEN
“Hi there!”
“umm hi”
“How are you?”
“I’m alright, just walking to lunch”
“Thats cool. Have you pledged KALPUR”
“…. nope.”
“You want to?”
“Not at all. Leave me alone.”
“Do you want a sticker?”
“No. I hate stickers almost as much as the environment.”
While walking OUT from lunch
(different person)
“Hey!”
“What do you want”
“How has your day been”
“It’s been awesome, but you don’t care. What do you want?”
“Have you pledged KALPUR”
“Nope and I don’t want to. The next person who asks me is getting a shovel to the face.”
“But haven’t you heard of all the great things KALPUR does??”
“Actually people tell me that their IBARC accounts keep getting charged by KALPUR even after their pledge period is up. Once you’ve pledged, you’re stuck with it until you stop paying tuition.”
“Well yeah, that’s part of the contract..”
“So you can never change your mind. Lame. Stop asking me.”
“Well alright, but we do sooo much for the environment… HEY! what are you doing?!?”
“Littering. Have a nice day.”
Friday May 11th, 2007
The UCEN
“Hi there”
(ignores)
Later: “Hey, wanna join the Women’s Outreach pledge”
(ignores)
Later: “Have you pledged KALPUR”
“NOPE. DON’T CARE”
“Want a free sticker?”
(ignores)
Later: “Sign up here for your events calendar”
(ignores)
“Join the college democrats”
(ignores, but secretly wonders why that’s even a group)
Later: “Hey”
“ughhh WHAT DO YOU whoa shit hey Shelly, what’s up?”
The point of all this: If I want to join a group or pledge money, I’ll do it on my own. Universities should ban people from handing out pointless junk and promoting causes at the campus centers. Setting up tables where interested passer-bys can stop is totally fine, but having newbie members stand around the campus, running up and shoving stuff in the faces of innocent people passing by is annoying and rude, especially when said solicitors pretend to start honest conversations, only to throw their latest plea for money in your direction. All I want is to be able to walk to lunch without the same strange organizations asking me to join every single day. ANNOYING! STOP! LOL!
My Own Version of Final Exams March 22, 2007
Posted by Bobby in college, effective coping strategies, fun-filled quotes, stupid american music jokes.add a comment
“…Things I don’t remember
there was dressed up alligator
there was cum on the piano…”
“Things I Don’t Remember“- by Ugly Casanova (lines 7-9)
1) The situation described by the final line of the above passage occurs when:
a) a private lesson enters a whole new dimension of privateness
b) a black key and a white key love each other very very much
c) Kevin forgets to wash his hands
d) a cheat code is activated by pressing up-up-down-A-B-right
e) all of the above
Choose wisely.
Why Calculus Makes Me Want to Shoot Myself February 20, 2007
Posted by Bobby in college, effective coping strategies, math & relationships, ways to make bobby sad.add a comment
