Dear Norton, Please Burn In My Fireplace September 27, 2007
Posted by Bobby in Norton Anthology, college, life, literary criticism, literature, posts that poke fun at the UC System.add a comment
The one thing that could possibly rival fire alarms as my most feared inanimate object in high school was a device colloquially known as a “Norton”. For those uninformed, the object in question formally goes by the moniker of “Norton Anthology of English Literature”. They are extremely large “books” which contain copious amounts of work from a certain era, country, or culture. They are a thorough pain in the ass to carry around, and are extremely thick to the point where handling the book becomes extremely awkward due to the odd shape.
After my second year of high school, I always told my parents to avoid buying the book since I honestly never even opened it outside of class. I could’ve easily just borrowed the thing from someone who was in English during a different period. Since I was one of the special kids in honors classes, it was usually pretty easy for me to borrow a book from the DGAF water polo players as long as I promised to return it by the end of the year so they could mix it with hash and smoke it over summer.
Of course my parents refused to comply, despite my good intentions of saving them money and saving me the hassle of dragging a 3,000 page piece of rubbish around campus. The book was honestly a pain to read even during the times I decided to go through it a bit. For starters, anytime you’re reading something that comes before page 500 or after page 2700, the book slants awkwardly to one side. It forces you to tilt your head to avoid glare from the standard reading light. To complicate matters even further, the pages start to curve when you approach the middle of the book, creating a large bump on the text which interrupts normal eye scanning patterns necessary for coherent reading. My attention span is horrible as is, I don’t need these extra distractions while I attempt to grubble through excerpts of Chaucer’s Canterbury Tales.
Lo and behold, my English class this quarter uses a Norton Anthology as a textbook. Shoot me in the face. After four years of never even bothering to deal with these horrid contraptions, I think I’ll be forced to give one a decent read. I got through AP English with an A and a 5 without reading any Norton excerpts ONCE, but I don’t think the same strategy will bode well in this institution of higher academia (haaaa).
On a final note, I’ve started to notice that once you hit a certain level, academics and common sense start to become inversely related. Think about that for a second. To give an example: all my professors are very intelligent, but total dumbshits at the same time. I miss real life sometimes, and I think that many members of the faculty here could use a good dose of real life, just so they realize how idealized all their crackpot theories and politics are, and how ineffective said theories would be if someone foolishly tried to implement them in the real world.
Firlarmaphobia September 27, 2007
Posted by Bobby in college, effective coping strategies, fire alarms, fire drills.add a comment
I’m not even joking when I say this: I have a horrible fear of fire alarms. Fire drills are like 10 minutes of hell for me, and I sincerely wish that popcorn was banned from residence halls, since burning popcorn always seems to set off the smoke detectors. All through elementary school, I used to dread the four days of the year that we had fire drills. I even remember pretending to be sick one day during fourth grade, as by that point I had learned that drill #1 always took place on the first Friday of the year.
Even in high school, those alarms continued to scare the crap out of me. It didn’t help that my high school has what is quite possibly the loudest and most startling alarm in existence, with a horn located in every single classroom. I remember during the first week of my freshman year, my English teacher informed us that a drill was about to take place. She told us to sit quietly and wait for the alarm to sound, then to leave the room and head out to the field. Since I didn’t know what the alarm sounded like, I was relatively calm, given that I was sitting in absolute silence awaiting the sound of a device designed to cause one to spring into action during an emergency.
Needless to say, I was scared shitless at the moment that damn horn went off. From that point forward, I was horrified by silence in classrooms, since I knew the alarm was definitely going to sound during those moments. Luckily for me, my school started publishing the fire drill dates ahead of time, so I could at least prepare for the damage instead of being startled and paranoid by its potential. There was definitely one time where I was late to class on purpose though, since I happened to sit right underneath the horn in that particular class.
So… guess what happened today? That’s right, my dormitory had a fire drill. It happened at about 7PM while I was sitting on this very computer downloading some music (don’t tell anyone who works for ResNet about that). Instead of the low-pitched buzzer sound of alarms past, this one is high and shrill. It wasn’t particularly startling, but the alarms in the hallway were so loud that they literally hurt my ears, as in I felt a sharp pain in my inner ear. Fun stuff.
There is an alarm in my room, but it didn’t seem like it was as loud as the ones outside and in the hallway. For me, it’s definitely going to make falling asleep more difficult than it should be. One thing’s for sure, in college those things don’t save your life. The false alarm to real alarm ratio is probably more than 2 million to one (when’s the last time you heard about a college dormitory burning to the ground?). So this is my ode to my greatest fear, and here’s to hoping we don’t have any false alarms this year. Any suggestions, words of encouragement, or criticisms are welcomed.
Leave Of Absence June 13, 2007
Posted by Bobby in animals, college.add a comment
Has been in effect due to final examinations. You should take this opportunity to go out and buy a horse.
Please Shoot This Goat May 21, 2007
Posted by Bobby in college, events occuring at a local Starbucks, irony, life.add a comment
I need to stop going to the Starbucks in Isla Vista, for my own personal safety. There is an aura of premature death surrounding the place. Today I saw a girl sitting on a table outside with a Venti sized caffeinated beverage, several cans of beer, and a cigarette. She was alternating between the three, playing Survivor the home game so to speak. Odds are 3:1 that the heart, liver, and lungs will all go at once.
After leaving that ugly sight behind, a strange homeless looking man walked through the door to Starbucks right after me (i.e. I held the door open for him). Following closely behind, on a makeshift leash, was a goat. The preppy baristas were naturally terrified by this sight and proceeded to ask the man to leave. This ignited a “surprisingly” passionate debate over the man’s right to be served. I broke my previously stated English Writing Rules and placed “surprisingly” in quotes since these strange political/social debates seem to spring up everywhere now. They’re as normal as the goat.
If you’ve read some of my previous entries, pet goats are not at all uncommon in Isla Vista. Take every rule of civilized society ingrained in your mind, and reverse it. At the same time, imagine 3000 noises coming out of a stereo speaker simultaneously with lots of feedback. Now make yourself really sad by reminiscing over a tragic event, like the death of a beloved pet. Got it? Good, that’s a weekend evening in Isla Vista and I just saved you the trouble of coming up here to see it for yourself. To experience late night/early morning Isla Vista, close your eyes and spin around in circles really fast for 5 minutes, then go to sleep.
Anyway, goats. Several annoying Universal Justice For All-types eventually convinced the baristas to serve the homeless guy, who proceeded to order a doubleshot latte… for the goat. Not joking. He walked outside, sat at a table across from the girl who is going to die by age 25, and poured the drink into a little bowl. The goat started drinking it happily.
While walking by this sight, I heard the homeless man muttering obscenities to the goat. It sounded like stalker/rapist language. “ooo there there girl, drink that up. yeaahhhh do that.” “ahh thats good isn’t it. yeahhh it is.” “do you like the gift that daddy just bought you. yeahhh you do.” Apparently goats dig Starbucks.
Thank God I decided to walk a little slower to listen in, because I was still within earshot when I suddenly heard the substance indulgence girl tell the homeless man “Stop. That stuff probably isn’t very good for the goat.” Chuckle.
A Guide to Writing in English May 9, 2007
Posted by Bobby in anti-soliciting, college, posts that poke fun at the UC System, ways to make bobby sad.add a comment
It is only fair to warn you that I care about the English language. I come from a grammatically conservative family. If as a child I had done something terrible or committed some serious crime, my family would have been distraught but they would have stuck by me. They would have hired a lawyer for me, come to my trial, visited me in juvenile. But if I split an infinitive or dangled a participle in public, I was not to come home. So please, humor me. Stop writing like crap.
And yes, there will indeed be several grammatical errors and violations of MLA format in this post. Get over it, it’s a blog.
I don’t understand why it’s so difficult for everyone to avoid jargon, be it social scientific, postmodern, or any other. “Lisible” is a lousy word, and “discourse” is not much better. “Site of contestation” is terrible writing. Language should be accessible to any interested lay person, especially one who needs to submit a peer review of your term paper to a TA. Nobody is impressed by a lot of big words that are hard to understand.
Whoever came up with the concept of Peer Review needs to be paraded naked through the streets of every city in Thailand for people to spit on, then coated with honey and staked down over an anthill. Peer reviews don’t help; they frustrate. Nobody likes reading other papers (especially ones containing words like “draconian” and “impactness”), and nobody ever makes the changes suggested by peers. If someone really really wants a revision, the paper is going to the TA.
Back to ranting and complaining: English is not, and never will be, a diacritical language. Slashes, dashes, and parentheses within words are abnormal. Examples: apple(s), and/or. English is an Anglo-Saxon language which has its origins in old Germanic barbarian tribes. What does this mean? It means that all pure English was originally intended to be SHOUTED. Whenever possible, use simple words with broad vowels and hard consonants. When that fails, succumb to the Latin rooted words.
One of the all-time greatest indignations of English is a fairly recent development. He or she, and she or he, is quietly being replaced by this: s/he. Tell me, how do you SHOUT “s/he”? “sssHEEH”?
Another example I see very often is this: “race,” class, and gender- also known as The Holy Trinity of left-wing social science. Apparently Sociologists enjoy putting “race” in quotes to make a statement inferring that race is merely a social construction which does not exist in scientific form. If that’s the case, they should put “class” in quotes too, since it’s a social construction. “Sociology” should be in quotes as well, not only because it’s a useless pseudo-science, but also because it too is a social construction. As a matter of fact, the comma should be in quotes. Stay true to your word.
As is probably evident from that last paragraph”,” I believe that several academic disciplines are currently trashing the press, which is a weird way of saying that they’re teaching people to write like shit. Sadly, Psychology is likely one of these disciplines, as is evident from the stuff you’re reading right now. Compare it to some of my earlier posts. This is garbage, stop reading it. It will only get worse from here. That aside, the Sciences and the Pseudo-Sciences (Sociology) will teach you to write blunt, jargon-filled masterpieces which utilize perfect execution of APA citation regulations.
Maybe I just offended someone by calling Sociology a pseudo-science. If so, I’m glad. If anyone is reading this (haHA) who also happens to be debating over what field of study to pursue in college, do not even consider Sociology- because it’s a joke. It should be renamed lolSociologyjk. Sociologists need to start using the C. Wright Mills questions to analyze the pointlessness of their own existence instead of obsessing over the status of impersonalized groups.
Well, that felt awesome. Until next time, keep it real. Be thoughtful, be clever, but don’t be cute.
lol almost forgot… this happened today:
Wednesday May 9th, 2007
Main Campus Path
(in an extremely annoying matter-of-fact tone) “Did YOU know that OUR university is producing NUCLEAR WEAPONS?!?”
(me) “Actually they aren’t; they’re contributing to the research and development of nuclear technology in general”
“That’s just what they want you to think. They’re lying.”
“How do you know?”
“Are you kidding me?!? It’s a well-known fact!”
“Actually… it’s not. There are about 500 people out of several million who suspect that nuclear weapons are being manufactured on this campus”
“I can’t believe how ignorant you’re being!”
“I can’t believe that you haven’t been able to find something better to do with your life”
“As a matter of fact, I find this highly important…”
“I know, hence I mock you”
“…and I will be participating in the tent city and hunger strike next week. The Regents don’t care about us!”
“So let me get this straight… you guys hate the University of California and the Regents now? Did you run out of organizations to protest or something?”
“You’re a Conservative, aren’t you?”
“Amongst a multitude of insane liberals. Yes.”
“HAHA OH MY GOD YOU MAKE ME LAUGH! I can’t believe you just ASSUMED that I’m a liberal! I’m not affiliated with any party and refuse to label myself as “left wing”, “liberal”, or any construct of the…”
“Alright alright I’ve heard enough. First of all, I haven’t called you anything yet. But right now I am going to. You’re one of those liberals who are so liberal that they refuse to call themselves liberals. Goodbye lefty.”
“You are so hopeless! Guess I won’t be seeing you at the rally today or the hunger strike next week.”
“NOPE. And I hope you all starve. Bye”
Just fyi- I am not making these up. Obviously I don’t remember the exact conversation word for word, but what you read is pretty darn close to what was actually said. I only recently started attempting to own the sidewalk solicitors, but I’m getting better at it every day and am starting to think it’s extremely fun and entertaining. I’m not afraid anymore! I will admit there have been a few times where they’ve been able to hold their ground, but those don’t need to go on my blog. Also, the only defense they usually have is quoting strange websites or statistics that they claim to have found on CNN.
UCSB Became Neighborhood #3!!! May 9, 2007
Posted by Bobby in college, posts that poke fun at the UC System, stupid canadian music jokes.1 comment so far
That’s right, I woke up with the power out and it was sure as hell something to shout about…
I went out into the light, I went out to find some light, but there wasn’t any. I couldn’t finish (start) reading my China book, I couldn’t finish (start) writing my paper, because someone broke the power lines, but nobody’s home so nobody minds.
It was dark as night, kids all were shoutin’ that they can’t find the light (We can’t find the light!). The incident lasted from 6PM until 10PM. The scene was actually relatively quiet, probably since drinking alcohol was considered to be pointless by many since the state of blackout was already achieved through other means.
Also, you can’t cook food without electricity. Thus, I inadvertently participated in my first hunger strike. I finally feel like a college student.
How UCSB Has Helped me Cope with Solicitors May 7, 2007
Posted by Bobby in anti-soliciting, college, effective coping strategies, life, posts that poke fun at the UC System, ways to make bobby sad.2 comments
Tuesday May 1, 2007
The Arbor
“Hey kid, have you heard about the student strike against war next week?!?”
“(me) mhmmmm…”
“Well, are you gonna go???!?”
“NOPE, I’m going to class, and after that I’m gonna go to work”
“Why?!? That’s business as usual!”
“I know”
“Well the strike is all about stopping business as usual! The war in Iraq is business as usual now and we’re doing this to start opening people’s eyes so that we can end the war right now! Justice will be ser…”
“Okay okay stop right there. Think about what you’re saying. Do you seriously think there are people out there who aren’t aware that there’s a war going on? I support the war and yeah, even I’m a little tired of it. Everyone’s tired of it. There hasn’t been a single significant war in human history that anyone’s breezed right through without setbacks. That doesn’t mean we should just end it immediately and lose everything we’ve accomplished so far. Plus, you’re protesting in effing Santa Barbara, the most liberal city not called San Francisco. PLUS you’re protesting on a college campus….. what exactly is this whole thing accomplishing?”
“Why do you support the war?!?”
“Leave me alone. I’m gonna continue walking to Subway now.”
Wednesday May 2nd, 2007
The Arbor
“Hey have you pledge KALPUR?”
“Nope.” (I continue walking)
“WAIT, DON’T YOU WANNA HEAR WHAT IT IS?”
“Not really, I probably don’t care”
“It’s a fund to help protect the environment and…”
“Yeah I don’t care. See ya.”
Later….
“Separate the church and state”
“No thanks”
“Why not?”
“Why?”
“Well why not?”
“Do they pay you to stand out here and bug people who just want to quietly walk to lunch undisturbed”
“No I’m a volunteer”
“Good for you”
Thursday May 10th, 2007
The UCEN
“Hi there!”
“umm hi”
“How are you?”
“I’m alright, just walking to lunch”
“Thats cool. Have you pledged KALPUR”
“…. nope.”
“You want to?”
“Not at all. Leave me alone.”
“Do you want a sticker?”
“No. I hate stickers almost as much as the environment.”
While walking OUT from lunch
(different person)
“Hey!”
“What do you want”
“How has your day been”
“It’s been awesome, but you don’t care. What do you want?”
“Have you pledged KALPUR”
“Nope and I don’t want to. The next person who asks me is getting a shovel to the face.”
“But haven’t you heard of all the great things KALPUR does??”
“Actually people tell me that their IBARC accounts keep getting charged by KALPUR even after their pledge period is up. Once you’ve pledged, you’re stuck with it until you stop paying tuition.”
“Well yeah, that’s part of the contract..”
“So you can never change your mind. Lame. Stop asking me.”
“Well alright, but we do sooo much for the environment… HEY! what are you doing?!?”
“Littering. Have a nice day.”
Friday May 11th, 2007
The UCEN
“Hi there”
(ignores)
Later: “Hey, wanna join the Women’s Outreach pledge”
(ignores)
Later: “Have you pledged KALPUR”
“NOPE. DON’T CARE”
“Want a free sticker?”
(ignores)
Later: “Sign up here for your events calendar”
(ignores)
“Join the college democrats”
(ignores, but secretly wonders why that’s even a group)
Later: “Hey”
“ughhh WHAT DO YOU whoa shit hey Shelly, what’s up?”
The point of all this: If I want to join a group or pledge money, I’ll do it on my own. Universities should ban people from handing out pointless junk and promoting causes at the campus centers. Setting up tables where interested passer-bys can stop is totally fine, but having newbie members stand around the campus, running up and shoving stuff in the faces of innocent people passing by is annoying and rude, especially when said solicitors pretend to start honest conversations, only to throw their latest plea for money in your direction. All I want is to be able to walk to lunch without the same strange organizations asking me to join every single day. ANNOYING! STOP! LOL!
Things Fall Apart Falls Apart May 2, 2007
Posted by Bobby in college, fun-filled quotes, literary criticism.4 comments
I get really angry whenever anyone disses Conrad’s Heart of Darkness, which is an incredible story that also exemplifies a masterful use of the English language. Chinua Achebe is thus on my screw you list since he basically attempted to serve Heart of Darkness a healthy plate of “outa my base and stop killing my d00ds n00b” with his essay that accused Conrad of overt racism.
Achebe then proceeded to write the “masterpiece” Things Fall Apart, which contains the language skills of a 10-year-old, an undeveloped storyline, 30 static characters, and an introduction to the wonderful civilized traditions of abandoning twins and mutilating deformed children so that they would stop being repeatedly borne by their mothers. In addition, Things Fall Apart probably contains the most overt examples of sexism in modern literature, so I think the hypocrisy speaks for itself. I’m not big on discrediting literature based on the author’s beliefs or racial undertones either. Things Fall Apart is terrible by its own personal achievement.
Highlights from Things Fall Apart include these passages:
-There was something in it like the companionship of equals, which was strengthened by such little conspiracies as eating eggs in the bedroom.
-He brought out a sharp razor from the goatskin bag slung from his left shoulder and began to mutilate the child. Then he took it away to bury in the Evil Forest, holding it by the ankle and dragging it on the ground behind him. After such treatment it would think twice before coming again, unless it was one of the stubborn ones who returned, carrying the stamp of their mutilation- a missing finger or perhaps a dark line where the medicine man’s razor had cut them.
- (Ezinma is a 10-year-old girl) “Don’t you see the pot is full of yams?” Ekwefi asked. “And you know how leave become smaller after cooking.”
“Yes,” said Ezinma, “that was why the snake-lizard killed his mother.”
“Very true,” said Ekwefi
“He gave his mother seven baskets of vegetables to cook and in the end there were only three. And so he killed her,” said Ezinma.
“That is not the end of the story.”
“Oho,” said Ezinma. “I remember now. He brought another seven baskets and cooked them himself. And there were again only three. So he killed himself too.”
-”I am Evil Forest, I am Dry-meat-that-fills-the-mouth, I am fire-that-burns-without-faggots. If your in-law brings wine to you, let your sister go with him. I salute you.”
-The world was silent except for the shrill cry and pestle of Nwayieke as she pounded her foo-foo.
-Young men pounded the foo-foo or split firewood. The children made endless trips to the stream.
-At first the bride was not among them. But when she finally appeared holding a cock in her right hand, a loud cheer rose from the crowd.
-The musicians with their wood, clay, and metal instruments went from song to song. And they were all gay. They sang the latest song in the village:
“If I hold her hand
She says, ‘don’t touch!’
If I hold her foot
She says, ‘don’t touch!’
But when I hold her waist-beads
She pretends not to know.”
Okonkwo made a present of two cocks to them.
- One of the things every man learned was the language of the hollowed-out wooden instrument.
-They were hard and painful on the body as they fell, yet young people ran about happily picking up the cold nuts and throwing them into their mouths to melt.
-But before they went he whispered something to his first wife. She nodded, and soon she was chasing the cock.
-Instead of saying “myself” he always said “my buttocks.” But he was a man of commanding presence and the clansmen listened to him.
-”Go and burn your mother’s genitals,” said one of the priests.
-”If a man comes into my hut and defecates on my floor, what do I do? Do I shut my eyes? No! I take a stick and break his head.”
-”Our clan can no longer can yams like their clan can can yams”
