Where Mute Memories Start Talking

I haven’t written anything on this blasted site in a while since I’ve suddenly lost my already limited amount of creativity. So instead of doing anything that requires effort, I’m just going to do what I do best… watch soccer games. I was planning on doing this for the Chelsea v Liverpool game, but I was too into it. I really don’t care about this next game very much.

Sorry to any Germans out there who feel insulted. I’m actually German by heritage, but I’m also smart enough to know that the Bundesliga is plagued by mediocrity and the brightest, ugliest freaking uniforms that have ever graced the Earth. As an apology to my brothers in blood: FC Bayern München! Die Katze is auf einem Flugzeug!

This game is on GolTV instead of Fox Soccer Channel, which means there’s no chance of Max Bretos going “yyyyeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeehhhhhhss!” or “can he weeeeeeeeave his way into the 18?!?” Last time I watched a game on GolTV (….USA’s run in the Copa America lollll), the color commentator was a Scotsman who could barely get his words out. Every sentence was passionate, but it sounded like he was struggling to get every breath out without passing out. I really hope he was assigned this game so that it’s slightly entertaining.

Of course, there’s always the chance that someone will make a Bundestackle that snaps another guy’s leg in half. Stay tuned.

Before Kickoff: “This match is between two beautiful bridesmaids from last season.”
Shortly After That Statement: “Oliver Kahn will be starting in goal.”

-Both commentators seem to be free of speech impediments

-They just showed a crowd shot where a drunk man continually waved a flag right in the face of a young girl.

1m: Ireland versus Norfolk Island. Bright Green versus Bright Red

1m: first view of Kahn looking homicidal.

2m: “Klose working with Luca Toni.” Do we need to be worried about Germans cooperating with Italians?

2m: Dr. Markus Merk, “the best Germany has to offer” gave Naldo a yellow card for a late tackle on Klose. You better not be making any dirty fouls in front of Dr. M.

3m: Does Germany offer an advanced doctorate degree in officiating soccer games? Or is this guy retired at age 30?

4m: Nice shot by a Munich player wearing bright-yellow boots to go with the passion-red kit. Forced the keeper to dive right.

5m: Jensen of Bremen follows it up with a Landon Donovan style shot which quickly rolls right past 3 defenders… and misses the target to the left by about 20 feet.

7m: The Doctor should have booked a Munich midfielder for a retaliatory challenge on Diego, but instead he only calls a foul and FLIPS OFF the Munich players who ask for a booking. Really wish that would have happened to Cristiano Ronaldo in last year’s WC.

10m: Sanogo just had a great opportunity when he received a pass that was threaded past two Bayern defenders. Instead he shoots it right into Kahn’s massive 70-year-old chest. First “should have done better” of the match.

11m: The manager of Bremen wears a black jersey that says “COACH” in huge white letters across the front. After Sanogo’s miss, he puts both his fingers on either side of his nose. He’s either making fun of Kahn’s facial features, or signaling for one of his players to “accidentally” elbow Sanogo in the face next time he has a bad touch.

14m: Kahn is wearing a baseball cap (maybe it’s a cricket cap) and looks like a badass.

15m: Toni was well clear of the defenders, but clearly offsides. The Doc again does not take kindly to protests. Doc defends his linesmen oops I mean assistant referees.

16m: Toni commits offensive rape and is whistled down before he can take an open shot.

18m: Kahn shanks a Bremen striker going after a ball in the air, but the foul is called on Bremen since Kahn is really old.

21m: There are a whole bunch of advertising boards for “Jack Wolfskin.” PETA would be all over them if they produce what I think they produce…

23m: Another corner gets punched away by one of the keepers; maybe try an out-swinger? One of the goals today will be scored when one of the keepers comes way off his line.

24m: Bayern has had 63% of the possession, but the color commentator could not fight the urge to say “This match has clearly been controlled by Bremen so far.”

25m: An out-swinger! Kahn stays on his line this time, but a foul is called on Bremen in the box. Also, remember during WC06 when Dave O’Brien would say “The Out-Swinger! Into the mixer!” on every single corner, regardless of what type of cross it was?

27m: A bad pass goes into touch (stop saying “out of bounds” GolTv), and the commentator calls the pass “brilliant.” He then makes the argument that the player would have been clear had he been able to cover 30 feet in less than a second and receive the pass on the run.

29m: Dr. Zhivago calls a penalty after Luca Toni fucks up a play. He got tackled hard well after the play was dead, but the penalty was called anyway.

30m: The keeper guesses correctly, but was somehow unable to stop whoever it was that took the shot. The commentators refer to the goal-scorer as “the straw who stirs the drink” and are already calling the defensive mistake “fatal”. Forget thet there’s 60 minutes remaining.

32m: Nobody except Bayern seems to be pleased with the way Dr. No is calling this game. The commentators, Bremenites, and newscasters are all critical of his calls so far.

37m: “The ball trickled off the table” is the newest way to say “into touch”

38m: Bayern player gets booked for “hitting a player with his stick.” Yellow card.

40m: The entire stadium just erupted into laughter after a P.A. announcement. I desperately want to know what was said.

43m: Professional Fouls in the Bundesliga consist of knocking a player flat on his back in frustration after not having the pace to keep up with a through ball. The fouler helps the foulee up right away.

44m: Free kick from 30 meters out goes straight into the nads of a poor fellow on the wall. Gotta keep the hand down when you jump, son.

45m: “Dr. Merk has reached his limit.” It really does not take much to piss this guy off…

Halftime: I really don’t know this league, these teams, or these players very well at all, so I don’t really have anything to say. 1-0 Munich going into the second half.

-Bowflex has a commerical with a new motto: “size matters.” This is promptly followed by a Viagra commercial with a warning to “avoid taking Viagra if you’re not healthy enough for sex.” Apparently they did away with saying “sexual activity.”

-Another GolTV ad with my favorite Scottish commentator. After a spectacular finish by a Real Madrid player, he proclaims “WHAT A WONDERFUL GOAL THAT SENDS THIS CROWD INTO ORGASM!”, making this the 3rd sexual ad in a row.

47m: Say “Werder Bremen goal kick” really fast.

50m: Luca Toni receives a cross and scores, but he made it much more difficult than it needed to be. The only reason he needed to score a “Golazo” instead of a simple tap-in is because he lost control of the ball about 4 times before he was able to get the shot away. 2-0 Bayern.

53m: The showed a shot of the Bremen bench, and they looked absolutely devastated- like little kids who just discovered their dog was put to sleep.

55m: Kahn just threw the ball all the way from inside the 18, to about 5 feet short of the halfway line.

56m: It appears that Kahn’s shoulder is still attached to his body.

57m: Dr. Strangelove waves play-on after a hard tackle in the box. If that wasn’t a penalty, it should have been a yellow card to the Bayern player for diving.

59m: Hockey fans: does anyone else think that Oliver Kahn looks a LOT like Chris Pronger?

61m: Kevin Schindler is coming into the game. He’s making a list, and checking it twice.

62m: Even the Germans use traditional English hymns for their chants.

64m: An ad for “Wodka”. I’m assuming it’s vodka?

66m: Schindler has been on the pitch for 2 minutes, and he’s already fouled Lucio 3 times.

69m: Schindler gets mugged from behind by Lucio. Blitzkrieg always comes back to bite.

69m: Schindler attempts a cross, which gets blocked right into his face. Tough game for Oscar.

70m: Bremen’s entire strategy: Give the ball to Diego. Watch. Repeat.

71m: The German version of the “Ole Ole Ole” chant includes an extra note in D Minor.

72m: Dr. Quinn gets in the face of a Bremen player who was stubbornly inching within 10 meters of the ball during a free kick.

74m: Sanogo trips a guy from behind but somehow escapes Dr. Kevorkian’s book.

75m: Diego fires a shot from 30 meters out into the upper terrace. If this was Fifa 2003, John Motson would’ve said “Be serious, you’re never gonna score from there,” in a condescending tone.

79m: I’m going to butcher the spelling on this name, but Altentop (?) just scored goal number 3 for Bayern. This was the second time in a row that three Bayern forwards were going against one Bremen defender and the keeper. Nice work, greenshirts.

81m: Bremen has been slow this entire game. Their defenders can’t seem to match the speed of Bayern. Pretty sad considering that the Bundesliga isn’t known for its pace.

83m: They haven’t been announcing or showing stats at all, but I’ve only counted one shot on target for Bremen so far.

85m: An amazing save on Lucio by the Bremen keeper. Too bad he couldn’t come up with three more of those

86m: Bayern players are starting to manage the clock in the age-old manner: pointing and waving their teammates into perfect positions on goal kicks, throw-ins, and corners.

87m: 4-0 Bayern Munich. Crazy goal off a throw-in. The ball was shot from about 28 meters out, right into the top right corner. Guess the pointing has a purpose, after all.

89m: Commentators defend Bremen by saying “They were totally in this game until the penalty.” I agree, they did an amazing job of staying in the game for 28 minutes

90m: NO STOPPAGE TIME thank you very much

Alright that was painful to watch. I’m signing off without any further remarks. Enjoy your lives.