Where Mute Memories Start Talking

I’m extremely tired of the following ideas, concepts, places, and actions. Therefore, if I catch someone associating themselves with any of these blacklisted nouns, I will force them to sit in a closet and listen to my Björk albums continuously for three days.

Phrase: “It’s my life, I can do what I want!” (usually proceeded with some form of “hey, fuck you”)

Rationale: It’s also my life decision to make fun of you for being an idiot who makes stupid decisions and acts like a retard. Justifying your emo-ness or scenester attitudes and actions by claiming that you are capable of doing whatever you want with your life is ridiculous and lacks any form of logic or reasoning. Closely related to this is the concept of “don’t judge me!” (along with the people who say that you should like them because they never judge anyone). Hate to break it to you, but everyone subconsciously judges others whether they intend to or not. The people who suck at life are those who deny that they go through this process. Really, life will be a lot clearer if you just make up your mind on what’s acceptable and not acceptable to you, then try to associate yourself with people who fall in the “acceptable” range. Obviously your BFFs will fall out of the acceptable range every once in awhile, but that’s when you whip out your newfound power of judgement by letting them know what’s up. There’s a huge difference between judging a person and judging a person’s actions. I wish everyone would magically realize this.

Concept: Tokenism

This will be included in a future blog where I argue that 79% of the stuff they teach you in college is total bullshit (20% of the non-bullshit falls in the math and engineering departments. The remaining 1% occurs when the professor tells you the dates of the midterm and the final, though they manage to screw that up sometimes, too.). Tokenism is, in a nutshell, the idea that white people consciously allow a select number of individuals from ethnic minorities to succeed so that it doesn’t seem like they are racists, while at the same time they deliberately stop all other members of minority groups from achieving any success or progress. In my humble opinion, this is stretching it a bit. People just l-u-v to find crazy explanations for the parts of life that are difficult to understand. Guess it makes everyone feel better.

Place: Hookah Bars

I don’t know when and I don’t know how or why, but all of the sudden it seems like everyone wants to smoke hookah. When I was first introduced to hookah as a sophomore in high school, NOBODY had even heard of it, much less gone to shady bars to smoke it underage. For some reason kids just get sooo amazed by smoking from a waterpipe; guess it makes them feel badass or something. It was still pretty underground even during my junior year, but senior year it started to pick up. Two years later and it has suddenly exploded everywhere- I didn’t even notice it that much during my first year of college. But hey, eating bad food and getting syphilis of the mouth sounds like an awesome new weekend activity.

Person: Pacman Jones
Channel: ESPN

After one year away from constant TV viewing (I didn’t have one in my dorm room), ESPN has gone sour. I have no idea who Pacman Jones, Mr. Irrelevant, or Tank Johnson are. I haven’t followed up on their stories at all, because every time I hear “TONIGHT ON SPORTSCENTER, EAST COAST TEAMS AND HIGHLIGHT REELS. ALSO, PACMAN JONES,” I flip the channel to FSC or GolTv to watch some real sports. I actually like American Football a little bit and I follow it during the season. Pacman Jones played for Tennessee, but I don’t remember ever hearing his name mentioned. I’m pretty sure he’s just an average defensive player. I don’t understand why we need to constantly hear updates on him when he isn’t even that good of a player, and everyone seems to hate him anyway. Actually scratch the hatred argument, because we still follow Barry Bonds, though we’re all hoping he’ll suffer a career-ending injury before he further stains the hallowed record books.

I actually just remembered who Mr. Irrelevant is; he’s the last guy to get picked in the NFL draft. This makes me wonder why he was offered a contract. Maybe we’ll hear about it on SPORTSCENTER, AFTER WE GO TO OUR T.O. BUREAU IN DALLAS. Thank you, T.O. today was T.O. T.O. while in fantasy T.O. T.O. T.O. REGGIE BUSH MICHAEL VICK TOM BRADY BARRY BONDS DELGADO DEL-GOT-IT. WHOOP! YANKEES YANKEES BRON BRON WITH MORE ON NIKE’S SHOE ADVERTISEMENTS HERE’S SOME GUY FROM ABC NEWS. STEROIDS. HUMAN INTEREST STORY. TOP PLAYS: DUNK, DUNK, DUNK, some running back reaching a career mark with a 1-yard run. should not be a top play, Stu. VIDEO OF SOME KID MAKING A HALF COURT SHOT IN A HIGH SCHOOL BASKETBALL GAME- bonus points if the kid’s autistic, DUNK, DUNK, goal- either by Real Madrid or FC Barcelona or Sidney Crosby yay!, DUNK, someone making a retirement speech then subsequently finishing off their career with their worst game, and finally another DUNKKKKK! For something related to news turn to ESPNNEWS.