Where Mute Memories Start Talking

A year ago you almost ruined my life. I eagerly anticipated World Cup 2006 for over four years, only to witness a horrid performance of epic proportions. To make matters worse, I was on a cruise during the group stages. The international crew actually cared about soccer and thus had no problem mocking me every time I passed by donning my ‘02 Jeff Agoos jersey.

In addition, there were at least 300 billion Brazillians on said cruise, most of them bandwagoners. I cringe every time I see a Ronaldinho jersey, mainly because he looks like an alien, but also because I have an intense disliking of all Brazillian soccer “fans” who aren’t from Brazil. Almost all of them laughed at me and my jersey. Tear, tear.

After witnessing the Czech game at my house and nearly breaking my dad’s new plasma TV in reaction, I watched the Italy “game” in a hotel room in Houston, Texas. It was then that I was introduced to a new version of the offsides rule, wherein a player may be flagged as being offsides even if said player does not make contact with the ball. To this date, I have not seen this stipulation of the rule enforced in any match since US-Italy in World Cup 2006, and I watch a lot of footie.

I was lucky enough to witness the Ghana contest in the sports bar of the Carnival Conquest. In the aftermath of the disaster I felt like taking advantage of my 18-instead-of-21-while-at-sea privileges, but my dad was there with me, and I hate alcohol anyway. Jittery fans wearing Mexico jerseys were extremely pleased to see the US fail to advance. Luckily I was able to taunt them a few days later. Viva Argentina.

My other favorite team didn’t fare very well, either, thanks to a timely knee injury to Michael Owen. David Beckham’s vomit trails weren’t a great sight to behold. I also found it very odd that his teammates signaled for a substitution the minute Becks hit the pitch; not a great way to support your captain, mates. Nonetheless, David has recently made a point to the almighty Steve McClaren that his services are integral to England’s success.

Back to the Yanks now. The team is soft as a Serta mattress, and they need to start playing matches outside of the Northeast. Foxboro, Massachusetts is OFF LIMITS from now on, alright? Stop playing there, play Mexico at the Rose Bowl in front of 100,000 hostile Hispanics. That’ll get the team used to large crowds and pressure situations, which in the long run will lead to success in the World Cup.

1-0 wins over Guatemala aren’t gonna do it anymore. Defeating a team led by the high-pitched screams of Carlos Ruiz proves absolutely nothing on the world stage. Over the next three years, the US team had better roll over all CONCACAF competition, including Mexico- who are by far the world’s most overrated team. It will be a great day when the national team horrifies millions of nativists with a win at Azteca.

Win the Gold Cup, perform well at Copa America, and please, please, please produce at the international level with the same dominance that we’ve seen at the youth level. Some of us actually care.