Where Mute Memories Start Talking

Every time a relationship struggles because of drama, there is a simple solution to the problem. Destroy the person responsible, since it’s obviously never your fault! Bring it!

When that isn’t possible, another course of action has always worked for me. Even problems that are totally on me suddenly disappear when this tactic is used. This is not a miracle or an advertising scam. Just a suggestion.

Do not, by any means, argue on the telephone. Someone will hang up in anger eventually, and the tactics I’m about to describe require physical body presence. By now it should be apparent that AIM and texting are off-limits as well.

Hopefully the good-for-nothing scumbag who is unjustly ruining your life will barge into your room and start barking obscenities at you. If not, invite said scumbag over to “discuss” the issues. Remember, communication is key to a successful relationship!!!

Invite the individual in, and sit at a desk near your bed. Start fiddling around on the computer. The best course of action is to log onto Wikipedia. Continually click on “random article” and read these articles to your drama buddy. To really break the ice and get the conversation going, try this article.

After no more than 3 minutes of arguing and Wikipedia browsing (you undoubtedly learned something new during the process as well. Way to go!), interrupt and say to your friend “Hey, you know what? I think I’m just gonna go pass out for a little bit.”

This will undoubtedly leave the drama queen/king dead in their tracks; shocked, so to speak. Climb into your bed and pull the covers over your head. When they ask what in the hell you think you’re doing, simply respond “I’m just gonna take a little nap, no big deal. You can keep yelling at me if you’d like. I can rest through noise. I might not even fall asleep.”

At first, you’ll probably be drilled with insults relating to immaturity and indolence. Just take cover during this initial volley. The enemy will need to reload eventually. However, be wise; do not attack. They shall grow weary to your impregnable (not able to be impregnated?) defenses and will eventually speak these words: “Alright, I guess we’ll just need to talk about this some other time.”

Two weeks of silence will pass, then everything will be good as new!

Empowered with this knowledge, go out and conquer the world.

I shall now depart to go watch the Stars Wars marathon.