Dear Norton, Please Burn In My Fireplace September 27, 2007
Posted by Bobby in Norton Anthology, college, life, literary criticism, literature, posts that poke fun at the UC System.add a comment
The one thing that could possibly rival fire alarms as my most feared inanimate object in high school was a device colloquially known as a “Norton”. For those uninformed, the object in question formally goes by the moniker of “Norton Anthology of English Literature”. They are extremely large “books” which contain copious amounts of work from a certain era, country, or culture. They are a thorough pain in the ass to carry around, and are extremely thick to the point where handling the book becomes extremely awkward due to the odd shape.
After my second year of high school, I always told my parents to avoid buying the book since I honestly never even opened it outside of class. I could’ve easily just borrowed the thing from someone who was in English during a different period. Since I was one of the special kids in honors classes, it was usually pretty easy for me to borrow a book from the DGAF water polo players as long as I promised to return it by the end of the year so they could mix it with hash and smoke it over summer.
Of course my parents refused to comply, despite my good intentions of saving them money and saving me the hassle of dragging a 3,000 page piece of rubbish around campus. The book was honestly a pain to read even during the times I decided to go through it a bit. For starters, anytime you’re reading something that comes before page 500 or after page 2700, the book slants awkwardly to one side. It forces you to tilt your head to avoid glare from the standard reading light. To complicate matters even further, the pages start to curve when you approach the middle of the book, creating a large bump on the text which interrupts normal eye scanning patterns necessary for coherent reading. My attention span is horrible as is, I don’t need these extra distractions while I attempt to grubble through excerpts of Chaucer’s Canterbury Tales.
Lo and behold, my English class this quarter uses a Norton Anthology as a textbook. Shoot me in the face. After four years of never even bothering to deal with these horrid contraptions, I think I’ll be forced to give one a decent read. I got through AP English with an A and a 5 without reading any Norton excerpts ONCE, but I don’t think the same strategy will bode well in this institution of higher academia (haaaa).
On a final note, I’ve started to notice that once you hit a certain level, academics and common sense start to become inversely related. Think about that for a second. To give an example: all my professors are very intelligent, but total dumbshits at the same time. I miss real life sometimes, and I think that many members of the faculty here could use a good dose of real life, just so they realize how idealized all their crackpot theories and politics are, and how ineffective said theories would be if someone foolishly tried to implement them in the real world.
Firlarmaphobia September 27, 2007
Posted by Bobby in college, effective coping strategies, fire alarms, fire drills.add a comment
I’m not even joking when I say this: I have a horrible fear of fire alarms. Fire drills are like 10 minutes of hell for me, and I sincerely wish that popcorn was banned from residence halls, since burning popcorn always seems to set off the smoke detectors. All through elementary school, I used to dread the four days of the year that we had fire drills. I even remember pretending to be sick one day during fourth grade, as by that point I had learned that drill #1 always took place on the first Friday of the year.
Even in high school, those alarms continued to scare the crap out of me. It didn’t help that my high school has what is quite possibly the loudest and most startling alarm in existence, with a horn located in every single classroom. I remember during the first week of my freshman year, my English teacher informed us that a drill was about to take place. She told us to sit quietly and wait for the alarm to sound, then to leave the room and head out to the field. Since I didn’t know what the alarm sounded like, I was relatively calm, given that I was sitting in absolute silence awaiting the sound of a device designed to cause one to spring into action during an emergency.
Needless to say, I was scared shitless at the moment that damn horn went off. From that point forward, I was horrified by silence in classrooms, since I knew the alarm was definitely going to sound during those moments. Luckily for me, my school started publishing the fire drill dates ahead of time, so I could at least prepare for the damage instead of being startled and paranoid by its potential. There was definitely one time where I was late to class on purpose though, since I happened to sit right underneath the horn in that particular class.
So… guess what happened today? That’s right, my dormitory had a fire drill. It happened at about 7PM while I was sitting on this very computer downloading some music (don’t tell anyone who works for ResNet about that). Instead of the low-pitched buzzer sound of alarms past, this one is high and shrill. It wasn’t particularly startling, but the alarms in the hallway were so loud that they literally hurt my ears, as in I felt a sharp pain in my inner ear. Fun stuff.
There is an alarm in my room, but it didn’t seem like it was as loud as the ones outside and in the hallway. For me, it’s definitely going to make falling asleep more difficult than it should be. One thing’s for sure, in college those things don’t save your life. The false alarm to real alarm ratio is probably more than 2 million to one (when’s the last time you heard about a college dormitory burning to the ground?). So this is my ode to my greatest fear, and here’s to hoping we don’t have any false alarms this year. Any suggestions, words of encouragement, or criticisms are welcomed.
Werder Bremen vs. Bayern Munich Game-Day Thread August 19, 2007
Posted by Bobby in Bundesliga, football, soccer, sports.10 comments
I haven’t written anything on this blasted site in a while since I’ve suddenly lost my already limited amount of creativity. So instead of doing anything that requires effort, I’m just going to do what I do best… watch soccer games. I was planning on doing this for the Chelsea v Liverpool game, but I was too into it. I really don’t care about this next game very much.
Sorry to any Germans out there who feel insulted. I’m actually German by heritage, but I’m also smart enough to know that the Bundesliga is plagued by mediocrity and the brightest, ugliest freaking uniforms that have ever graced the Earth. As an apology to my brothers in blood: FC Bayern München! Die Katze is auf einem Flugzeug!
This game is on GolTV instead of Fox Soccer Channel, which means there’s no chance of Max Bretos going “yyyyeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeehhhhhhss!” or “can he weeeeeeeeave his way into the 18?!?” Last time I watched a game on GolTV (….USA’s run in the Copa America lollll), the color commentator was a Scotsman who could barely get his words out. Every sentence was passionate, but it sounded like he was struggling to get every breath out without passing out. I really hope he was assigned this game so that it’s slightly entertaining.
Of course, there’s always the chance that someone will make a Bundestackle that snaps another guy’s leg in half. Stay tuned.
Before Kickoff: “This match is between two beautiful bridesmaids from last season.”
Shortly After That Statement: “Oliver Kahn will be starting in goal.”
-Both commentators seem to be free of speech impediments
-They just showed a crowd shot where a drunk man continually waved a flag right in the face of a young girl.
1m: Ireland versus Norfolk Island. Bright Green versus Bright Red
1m: first view of Kahn looking homicidal.
2m: “Klose working with Luca Toni.” Do we need to be worried about Germans cooperating with Italians?
2m: Dr. Markus Merk, “the best Germany has to offer” gave Naldo a yellow card for a late tackle on Klose. You better not be making any dirty fouls in front of Dr. M.
3m: Does Germany offer an advanced doctorate degree in officiating soccer games? Or is this guy retired at age 30?
4m: Nice shot by a Munich player wearing bright-yellow boots to go with the passion-red kit. Forced the keeper to dive right.
5m: Jensen of Bremen follows it up with a Landon Donovan style shot which quickly rolls right past 3 defenders… and misses the target to the left by about 20 feet.
7m: The Doctor should have booked a Munich midfielder for a retaliatory challenge on Diego, but instead he only calls a foul and FLIPS OFF the Munich players who ask for a booking. Really wish that would have happened to Cristiano Ronaldo in last year’s WC.
10m: Sanogo just had a great opportunity when he received a pass that was threaded past two Bayern defenders. Instead he shoots it right into Kahn’s massive 70-year-old chest. First “should have done better” of the match.
11m: The manager of Bremen wears a black jersey that says “COACH” in huge white letters across the front. After Sanogo’s miss, he puts both his fingers on either side of his nose. He’s either making fun of Kahn’s facial features, or signaling for one of his players to “accidentally” elbow Sanogo in the face next time he has a bad touch.
14m: Kahn is wearing a baseball cap (maybe it’s a cricket cap) and looks like a badass.
15m: Toni was well clear of the defenders, but clearly offsides. The Doc again does not take kindly to protests. Doc defends his linesmen oops I mean assistant referees.
16m: Toni commits offensive rape and is whistled down before he can take an open shot.
18m: Kahn shanks a Bremen striker going after a ball in the air, but the foul is called on Bremen since Kahn is really old.
21m: There are a whole bunch of advertising boards for “Jack Wolfskin.” PETA would be all over them if they produce what I think they produce…
23m: Another corner gets punched away by one of the keepers; maybe try an out-swinger? One of the goals today will be scored when one of the keepers comes way off his line.
24m: Bayern has had 63% of the possession, but the color commentator could not fight the urge to say “This match has clearly been controlled by Bremen so far.”
25m: An out-swinger! Kahn stays on his line this time, but a foul is called on Bremen in the box. Also, remember during WC06 when Dave O’Brien would say “The Out-Swinger! Into the mixer!” on every single corner, regardless of what type of cross it was?
27m: A bad pass goes into touch (stop saying “out of bounds” GolTv), and the commentator calls the pass “brilliant.” He then makes the argument that the player would have been clear had he been able to cover 30 feet in less than a second and receive the pass on the run.
29m: Dr. Zhivago calls a penalty after Luca Toni fucks up a play. He got tackled hard well after the play was dead, but the penalty was called anyway.
30m: The keeper guesses correctly, but was somehow unable to stop whoever it was that took the shot. The commentators refer to the goal-scorer as “the straw who stirs the drink” and are already calling the defensive mistake “fatal”. Forget thet there’s 60 minutes remaining.
32m: Nobody except Bayern seems to be pleased with the way Dr. No is calling this game. The commentators, Bremenites, and newscasters are all critical of his calls so far.
37m: “The ball trickled off the table” is the newest way to say “into touch”
38m: Bayern player gets booked for “hitting a player with his stick.” Yellow card.
40m: The entire stadium just erupted into laughter after a P.A. announcement. I desperately want to know what was said.
43m: Professional Fouls in the Bundesliga consist of knocking a player flat on his back in frustration after not having the pace to keep up with a through ball. The fouler helps the foulee up right away.
44m: Free kick from 30 meters out goes straight into the nads of a poor fellow on the wall. Gotta keep the hand down when you jump, son.
45m: “Dr. Merk has reached his limit.” It really does not take much to piss this guy off…
Halftime: I really don’t know this league, these teams, or these players very well at all, so I don’t really have anything to say. 1-0 Munich going into the second half.
-Bowflex has a commerical with a new motto: “size matters.” This is promptly followed by a Viagra commercial with a warning to “avoid taking Viagra if you’re not healthy enough for sex.” Apparently they did away with saying “sexual activity.”
-Another GolTV ad with my favorite Scottish commentator. After a spectacular finish by a Real Madrid player, he proclaims “WHAT A WONDERFUL GOAL THAT SENDS THIS CROWD INTO ORGASM!”, making this the 3rd sexual ad in a row.
47m: Say “Werder Bremen goal kick” really fast.
50m: Luca Toni receives a cross and scores, but he made it much more difficult than it needed to be. The only reason he needed to score a “Golazo” instead of a simple tap-in is because he lost control of the ball about 4 times before he was able to get the shot away. 2-0 Bayern.
53m: The showed a shot of the Bremen bench, and they looked absolutely devastated- like little kids who just discovered their dog was put to sleep.
55m: Kahn just threw the ball all the way from inside the 18, to about 5 feet short of the halfway line.
56m: It appears that Kahn’s shoulder is still attached to his body.
57m: Dr. Strangelove waves play-on after a hard tackle in the box. If that wasn’t a penalty, it should have been a yellow card to the Bayern player for diving.
59m: Hockey fans: does anyone else think that Oliver Kahn looks a LOT like Chris Pronger?
61m: Kevin Schindler is coming into the game. He’s making a list, and checking it twice.
62m: Even the Germans use traditional English hymns for their chants.
64m: An ad for “Wodka”. I’m assuming it’s vodka?
66m: Schindler has been on the pitch for 2 minutes, and he’s already fouled Lucio 3 times.
69m: Schindler gets mugged from behind by Lucio. Blitzkrieg always comes back to bite.
69m: Schindler attempts a cross, which gets blocked right into his face. Tough game for Oscar.
70m: Bremen’s entire strategy: Give the ball to Diego. Watch. Repeat.
71m: The German version of the “Ole Ole Ole” chant includes an extra note in D Minor.
72m: Dr. Quinn gets in the face of a Bremen player who was stubbornly inching within 10 meters of the ball during a free kick.
74m: Sanogo trips a guy from behind but somehow escapes Dr. Kevorkian’s book.
75m: Diego fires a shot from 30 meters out into the upper terrace. If this was Fifa 2003, John Motson would’ve said “Be serious, you’re never gonna score from there,” in a condescending tone.
79m: I’m going to butcher the spelling on this name, but Altentop (?) just scored goal number 3 for Bayern. This was the second time in a row that three Bayern forwards were going against one Bremen defender and the keeper. Nice work, greenshirts.
81m: Bremen has been slow this entire game. Their defenders can’t seem to match the speed of Bayern. Pretty sad considering that the Bundesliga isn’t known for its pace.
83m: They haven’t been announcing or showing stats at all, but I’ve only counted one shot on target for Bremen so far.
85m: An amazing save on Lucio by the Bremen keeper. Too bad he couldn’t come up with three more of those
86m: Bayern players are starting to manage the clock in the age-old manner: pointing and waving their teammates into perfect positions on goal kicks, throw-ins, and corners.
87m: 4-0 Bayern Munich. Crazy goal off a throw-in. The ball was shot from about 28 meters out, right into the top right corner. Guess the pointing has a purpose, after all.
89m: Commentators defend Bremen by saying “They were totally in this game until the penalty.” I agree, they did an amazing job of staying in the game for 28 minutes 
90m: NO STOPPAGE TIME thank you very much
Alright that was painful to watch. I’m signing off without any further remarks. Enjoy your lives.
The Real Reason Why Beckham Won’t Help U.S. Soccer July 18, 2007
Posted by Bobby in David Beckham, football, soccer, sports, times i decided to be serious.5 comments
By now, everyone who owns a TV or reads a newspaper is well aware that David Beckham will be playing for the L.A. Galaxy in the MLS. In addition to this, everyone is also well aware that Beckham will do nothing to make soccer more popular here in the States. My question is this: Who decided that this is the case?
Most of our wonderful sportswriters here in America will try to make the claim that the American sports fans have made this decision. After all, every one of us would much rather watch tall, overpaid males throw a basketball through a hoop 80 times, none of which are meaningful until the last two minutes of the game. Slam dunks never get old, either, and we’re all perfectly content to see dunks constitute 8 of the 10 top plays on Sportscenter.
Sure, anyone could use numbers alone to make the case that there aren’t very many soccer fans in the United States. It’s still behind basketball, baseball, and American football. For some reason, sportswriters believe that a sport cannot survive in the United States if it operates in a niche market. While this may be true (or may not be), sportswriters have been reluctant to even give soccer a chance.
There are plenty of Americans out there who have a genuine interest in soccer. Many more have a genuine interest in David Beckham, for a number of different reasons : ). Sportswriters just lovvvve to downplay this fact and make the claim that nobody cares, nobody understands. Have the writers ever once considered that they themselves may be the reason that Beckham won’t have any impact?
Every single article I’ve read so far on Beckham is just another diatribe on the million reasons why he won’t do anything to increase American soccer’s popularity. Countless numbers of Americans read these articles and are immediately subjected to an extremely negative perception of soccer. These readers are then forever ingrained with a subliminal message: that as Americans, they must be uninterested in soccer, since “everyone else” is. If an American is repeatedly exposed to the idea that American sports fans hate soccer, he or she may instinctively decide that soccer isn’t a sport worth having any interest in. Automatically claiming disinterest in a sport without exploring it or giving it a chance is no way to make a decision. Unfortunately, sportswriters around the nation are causing countless numbers of individuals to do just that.
Yesterday, watching Chelsea win 1-0 was far more exciting than watching Tigres win 3-0, so forget about the whole lack-of-scoring argument. What the MLS needs is talent, and a lot of it. Buying 50-60 mediocre European players would help a lot more than snagging Beckham alone, but maybe Becks could be the start of something new if we all just give him a chance.
The point is this: if sportswriters and anchors continue to approach soccer with such a negative attitude, the sport has no chance at all of growing into something larger. The problem is not disinterest within the American public. There is a growing interest in the youth community, and a sizable contingent of my generation seems to be more interested in soccer than all the baby-boomers who control the media. The base is there, the talent is growing, and the interest is bobbing at the surface.
So to all the sportswriters out there: congratulations. You’re the biggest threat to soccer’s chances of gaining popularity in the United States. Keep demonizing the sport and everything it stands for, and it’ll be gone from here in no time- just like you all want it to be.
MySpace July 6, 2007
Posted by Bobby in humor, myspace, social networking, social scene, technology.3 comments
I am 27 years old. I work full time as an assistant manager at Wendy’s in Oak Hill. I have a fairly large family, and many friends who are always there when I need them. I have 2 wonderful cats their names are Lily and Lulu, they are my joy. Life has dealt me some hard times, but the way I see it God doesn’t give us more than what we can handle, and what we can’t handle he takes the weight for us. I love having a good time and hanging out with my friends, but in the same sense I know when to be serious and act like a grown up. I am single, but not by choice I just haven’t found the right one for me.
I also love blinking gifs and annoying HTML.
PLEASE PAY ATTENTION TO ME!!!
ShOuTz t0 mY GGGGGGRRRRRRRLLZZZZZZZZZZ********
Are you a good girl or a bad girl?
What does your birth date mean?
SONG HAS BEEN
Deleted by the Artist
The Muppet Personality Test
Kara has 943 friends (12 of which are real)
Top 36!
WARNING!
Tattoos make me horny!
Pour Some Sugar on Me
What Song Should You Strip To?!?
Status: Single
Orientation: Straight
Body Type: 5′5 – More to Love!
Religion: Taoist, or whatever other Eastern Philosophies come to mind
Zodiac Sign: Aries
Smoke/Drink: No/Yes
Children: I hate kids
Occupation: having fun!
Income: More than 500,000/year
————————————–
Summary of MySpace:
It used to be avoided by anyone that wears colored clothing. Now it’s like the local shopping center when you were 14: You know it’s shit, but all your friends hang there.
Allegedly is involved somehow with music (to be confirmed)
Gives college football coaches an easy way to talk to prospects without violating rules by writing nonstop on users’ comment walls.
Anime has Scarred me for Life July 1, 2007
Posted by Bobby in anime, anime expo, effective coping strategies.8 comments
My brother enjoys attending the Anime Expo every year when it comes to Long Beach. Or maybe it just occurs in Long Beach every year… I don’t really know and I didn’t ask. What I did have to do was pick my brother up from the expo yesterday. When I arrived, he “wasn’t finished” (hopefully he wasn’t in the porn area at the time), so I decided to park my car and accompany him for the remainder of his journey. I was a little interested, but I mainly wanted to observe some of these anime fans firsthand.
My wish was granted when I saw four guys dressed as Pikachus walking to their car. I forgot that Pokemon became an anime after it confined kids to their Gameboys for 14 hours a day, spurring on the childhood obesity epidemic. That’s right, the health professionals should blame Pokemon. Maybe if Chansey wasn’t so damn hard to find…
Upon entering the convention center, my wish was then violently thrown in my face. A 30 year old man was dressed as Sailor Moon, complete with the miniskirt. Apparently he shaved his legs in an attempt to appear more feminine, but men’s thighs simply can’t be as smooth as women’s thighs. … .. …. .. ……
Now that I’ve returned from beating myself with a large wooden club for constructing that last sentence, I’ll continue this story if my concussion isn’t serious enough to hamper my writing abilities. It definitely clouded my judgment while cleaning the club, though. I used a white washcloth instead of paper towels. Now it basically looks like a damn maxi pad. …… … .. …. … .
I didn’t know my parents owned a whip, but it definitely came in handy just now. It’s true what they say about the lash, it really can teach you a lesson or two. Still, I can’t help but wonder what exactly my parents use that whip for. ……. . …. … ..
Curling irons really hurt when you turn them on and put them .. ………. … ……. ….. ..
The swelling on my shoulder has subsided, so I can move my prosthetic arm and type one key at a time now. Progress! An anime I saw at the convention, called Paranoia Agent, gave me the idea for my last self-inflicted wound. In the anime, an unidentified Japanese (I assume?) serial killer beats people with a baseball bat. He’s called “Lil slugger”. I suspect that it will end up being Ichiro. Hideki Matsui’s swing wouldn’t cause enough damage to injure anyone, and Ichiro would be able to get away quickly. Plus, the Lil Slugger wears GOLD roller skates…. an obvious allegory to the Gold Glove.
The most hilarious anime, and the only one I will have any interest in watching in the future, is called AzuManga Daioh. I probably spelled it wrong, but it really looks more like this: “#^##$*^” when spelled out with the proper characters. It’s basically the story of strange girls at a prep school. The story of two of the teachers gets thrown into the mix, too. Essentially, there’s a huge power war going on, as the P.E. teacher always feels inferior to her friend the English teacher, who probably isn’t an English teacher but is in fact a Japanese teacher since the whole thing takes place in Japan. Now that I think about it, it’s a little strange that we refer to grammar, writing, and literature as the collective noun “English”. I highly doubt that they refer to the same thing as “Japanese (##**&^)” in Japan, because they usually apply common sense and forethought to their naming processes.
Sooo, I’ve decided that I definitely do not need to attend another anime expo in my lifetime. I haven’t spoken to my brother since he inexplicably decided that I needed to know that girls constitute the primary fanbase for gay anime porn since “they think it’s cute”. After he said that, I looked him straight in the eye and said “I don’t know you”, then walked to my car and drove home. He tagged close behind though, so he was able to sneak in the backseat before I drove off.
Also, supposedly this gay anime porn is called “Yaoi”, which is pronounced “yow-ee”, another example of how the Japanese use forethought in their nomenclature.
Alright, I think the stove has heated up enough now. Three more self-mutilations should be enough to constitute a clean purge. Don’t worry about me though. I don’t have a problem, I can stop this whenever I want.
Leave Of Absence June 13, 2007
Posted by Bobby in animals, college.add a comment
Has been in effect due to final examinations. You should take this opportunity to go out and buy a horse.
